WTF, Santa?!?

A few things I have now that I most definitely did not ask Santa for:

• A sore throat. It is so very painful for me to swallow, and my glands just feel swollen and hurty. I wish the halls lozenges would help, but they are not getting along so well with my...
• Nausea. The triple soothing menthol action of the lozenges is making my stomach do a triple somersault. I have been sipping ginger ale throughout the day, had some saltines earlier, and just now managed some plain cheerios. Maybe later I could give ice cream a try because I am...
• Burning up. Seriously, my face is bright red, my forehead is beyond warm and I am almost sweating. I have turned the thermostat alllllll the way down in my office, but I swear hot air is still pumping out through the vent. I may need to shut the door so I can just take off my sweater and sit here in my tank top. I am also rocking a Thermacare Heat Wrap, which probably isn't helping my temperature issues, but is most necessary for my...
• Seriously messed up back. I slept all of 2 nights on the old twin bed in my brother's old room at my parents' house, but when I got up early Sunday to drive back down to VA, I could feel some weird aches starting. When I woke up yesterday morning I could barely move, I was in so much pain. Some Advil helped for awhile, but I broke down and went to CVS for the Thermacare heat wrap that is currently wrapped around my torso. Is it bad that while the heat helps a little, I am still in a crap-ton of pain? Is it also bad that I am fine with dealing with all this physical pain and sickness but not okay with dealing with...
• Tears and confusion over Mr. Toothbrush. I didn't post an update after my post last week for a few reasons. I was sick and not feeling well. Trying to finish up all my last minute holiday errands and get up to my parents' house in PA. But mainly, becuase I just didn't know that there was anything to say. We went out for drinks with his coworker and coworker's wife -- I was texted later in the day that they would be joining us. I thought it odd since I thought we were really going to be having a talk about some things that evening, but just brushed it aside. Maybe I was worried or upset about something that was going to be - or was already on the way to being - resolved. I met up with the three of them and had a very nice time. The two of us went back to my apartment where we then had a disjointed, confusing, erratic conversation that resolved nothing and just put me further in the dark. I won't get into any specifics, because it is not my business to share (an no matter what, I don't think I could ever talk about some deeply personal things on here) but he is just going through a hard time. And while the huge nurturer in me wishes he could see me as someone that maybe he could let try to help him in some way, that's just not where he is at right now.

When I had heard about all I could get through without crying, I just said I thought he should leave. I sent him off with this sad little bag of Christmas gifts(nothing big, a book and some cookies I had made) and couldn't even look him in the eye as I walked him to the door and he left. There were some texts back and forth that night (no, I know not a good medium to have these discussions) and the next morning I felt compelled to send an email apologizing for how I handled things the night before, I know he is dealing with a something difficult and I just didn't want to make anything more difficult for him. He responded telling me not to apologize, that he was going through something rough and was acting terribly because of it. He said that wasn't an excuse for his behavior, and asked me to please be patient, and when he is ready, he will explain everything.

And that was that. I didn't respond -- there was nothing to say at that point, you know? He sent me a text on Christmas, saying he hoped I was having a Merry Christmas and talk to you soon. I honestly was surprised to get that. And not that I am about to read into it, or start thinking about what that means or doesn't mean....because it just means that he was thinking of me and wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas. Nothing more than that.

I want to be patient, and hear his story, whatever it may be. When he's ready. And I don't have any timeline I think he *should be ready by*, if that makes sense. While right now sucks, and it hurts, and stupid little things just make me want to cry for no reason (oh it also happens to be *that time*...so thanks also for that added bonus of hormones and emotions, Santa!) I guess somehow I made up my mind not to have a reaction about anything until I know everything there is to know. And for right now, well for right now I just don't. And I don't know when I will. And I guess that is all OK because for right now it hasto be OK, because that is just the way it is.

I can be prone to be a bit dramatic -- not in my actions or behaviors, just in my lines of thinking. And dramatic isn't the right word for it really....I just see things and think of things as stories. Blame it on all the movies I have watched in my life and that I actually went and got a master's in film. I just somehow think of things differently than other people. I think about how it would be told in a novel or played out on a screen.

And I thought (so stupid, but I assure you that I really did think) that Santa or someone else up there had actually been listening to me over these years. When I randomly and carelessly would throw out characteristics or traits or weird weird things that I would hope to all find in one person someday. [And as a side note, pleasedon't think I am on some cinematic line of thinking that that one person might be THE person. I am dramatic in my thoughts but also painfully realistic, and I don't know that I agree that you only get ONE person]

And little things happened...things that came up in our conversations, a name that he called me that NO ONE would have known to call me (seriously, I confided in my one friend about it because it was just too damn eerie)..but little things made me think that someone up there had been listening.

And now I just don't know. And I don't want to think about it anymore for right now. I just want to focus on my sore throat, and my nausea, and my fever, and my poor painful back. I want the rest of this day to somehow go by so I can go home, put on my new favorite pink pajamas (that I got from Mom, not Santa...seriously Santa, what the heck??) and crawl into bed.

Santa, if you are reading this, I'd be willing to put this all in the past if you could give me a few-days-late Christmas present of some fun plans for New Year's Eve. Nothing over the top, I ain't trying to be greedy. Just something that perhaps involves being out amongst the revelers enjoying the evening and good company and not at home in my pretty pink pajamas. Work on it, Santa....you've still got some time. You can do it, big guy.