I am not writing this post to garner sympathy or pity. I am not fishing for comments or kind words. I promise you. It's just what I want to do to end this Valentine's Day. And it's my blog...so I can do what I want, right?
This has officially been my worst Valentine's Day. Ever. I wish I could tell you all exactly why...but it's just not something I want to get into right now. Or on this blog. Maybe another time, maybe not. If this wasn't happening to me, if I was watching this all in a movie or on a sitcom, I'd probably be laughing. Unfortunately, it's all really happened and I can't laugh at it just yet. I don't know that I will get to a place where I can laugh at it. And if I do, it's likely I am just laughing to that people don't know how hurt I am underneath it all.
One of the only things that has sort of helped me to face forward, fake smile plastered on my face, and keep plugging away this past month hasn't just been the ridiculously busy schedule I have been keeping. It's been this stupid secret I have been keeping - I've been playing a bit of a trick on myself. I've been telling myself that Mr. Toothbrush didn't really exist. He was like Snuffleupagus or something, he just wasn't real. And if he wasn't real, then neither were my feelings, and I have nothing to be upset about, right? If he didn't exist, then being upset or feeling hurt isn't even an option.
But he is real...he does exist..and he did call me last week to just make everything worse for me. I know my dumb little mind trick was just that - dumb. But it was helping, as silly as it was. And now I just feel incredibly upset, confused, and hurt all over again.
Something that I said this weekend, something I know I say often (or some iteration of it), was that "at least this all was happening to me and not someone else. Because I know I am strong enough to take it all on on my own." But it wasn't until saying it this weekend that I realized how f*cking ridiculous it sounds. I shouldn't have to do all this and go through some things just because I know I am built to handle it and just because I happen to be strong enough to do it all. It's not okay. It's really, really not okay.
I am hoping this really was the worst Valentine's Day that I will ever have. I really deserve only good ones moving forward.
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Sorry it's so sucky. I guess it can only go up from here? But, not sure if you should listen to me...I have said that before and it has gotten worse.
ReplyDeleteYou know what is so strange...I have been saying that so many times over the past few weeks and every damn time it DOES find a way to get worse. I need a fast forward button to make all this stuff go by faster
ReplyDeleteI myself have had Valentine's Days that were horrendous, not to mention other holidays. All of which were ruined by one douche-bag. It took me awhile to not be angry with MYSELF over everything. Corny as it sounds, only time will help. But the other thing that helps is realizing why you're upset or hurting. Facing it will help. But I do understand how hard it can be to face it. I shed a lot of tears when I finally did. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteoh so sorry that valentine's day sucked and perhaps the days surrounding it. cliched but time will help, but man does it suck in the interim
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry that things just haven't gotten better yet. i'm sending positive thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteSorry it sucked. Been there.done that. Hopefully, things get better.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Listen here DM...what in the world did Mr. TB call you for? Whatever did he have to say? Why is he still thinking about you? Hmmmm......
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sorry your Valentines Day sucked. Do you know that last year I had a Valentine, but I was so livid with him that I spent the day on the couch. With the puppy. Now THAT was a cuky Valentines Day :(
ummmm...that would be "sucky".
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you had such a terrible day. I am sure things will turn around soon.
ReplyDelete