Freaking out...it's what I do best!

I have so neglected this blog lately. I've been trying to keep up with some of my blog reading when I can, but I have missed writing here so much. There has just been so much to be done lately. Work is....well, total insanity most days. And not in a great way. I am trying to remember to breathe and take it one day at a time. Sometimes one HOUR at a time. And keep on, keepin' on.

But it has caused me a ton of stress. And that on-the-job stress has slowly bled out into my out-of-work life. I'm still feeling like I am running around like a crazy person and generally freaking out over something or another. I can't seem to get myself to maintain any semblance of calm or serenity. I feel like a bundle of nerves and constantly on edge. The other night I was awake from 3am-6am with my mind just racing and racing.

I am hoping that October might bring some relief. I can't say I am confident that it will but I am trying to be hopeful! The month is starting out with the latest thing I am freaking out about.

Meeting MVP's family.

I know back in August I had this whole moment that I wasn't freaking out about him meeting my parents, you know....until I was freaking out. But notice he met my parents.

Starting tonight I will be meeting MVP's family.

Big difference.

His sister is getting married on Saturday in Charleston and we are flying there later this afternoon. I am not gonna lie...I have been super stressed about the trip all week. I had a fashion show with L the other night to select outfits that were "Meet the Family" appropriate. I've been lining up things to talk about in my head. I need to practice being smiley. I feel like sorority recruitment all over again.

There are many reasons I am stressed -- some are legit and some I know are just me being a huge ball of nervousness. I am sure in the end it will all be just fine. After all, it's a wedding so I am definitely not the main attraction :) So I think that takes a lot of the pressure off of me.

I was racing around this morning packing up my last minute things when my phone buzzed. It was a message from MVP's sister saying she was looking forward to meeting me and excited I could join them for all the wedding festivities. The Bride, with likely a million and three to do's on her to do list 2 days before her wedding. A person who has every right to be stressed and freaking out. She took some time out of her morning to track me down on facebook and send me a sweet message. I knew I was going to like MVP's family but that gesture was beyond wonderful.

So wish me luck, bloggy friends! I need to put my nerves aside and stop freaking out for a few days. Shouldn't be TOO hard...after all, we'll be in Charleston...

Sticking out like a (well dressed) sore thumb

So to break up the monotony of sticking out like a sore thumb at work, tonight I am attending a black tie function. Feeling like I still may stick out a bit, but at least I will hopefully be a well dressed sore thumb. For many in DC, attending fancy functions is just another requirement for their job, or part of their oh-so-fabulous social calendar. Not me, folks. Wearing heels with jeans is about as "snazzed up" as it gets for me.

Since it is neither me nor my job that has me attending black tie events, maybe you are wondering how I ended up in this sitch. MVP has some sort of fancy awards reception that he needed to attend, and asked me to go to with him. I played it cool on the outside, but on the inside it felt like I just got asked to prom! Or, what I imagine it would have been like to be asked to prom. Sadly, I never was back in the day and had to go ask for my own dang prom date.

As my luck would have it, he asked about a day before a very well-timed Lilly P sale on Rue La La, so I was able to score this pretty party dress for a really good price.


I think it's very classic and timeless, so I could definitely get more wear out of it. The jeweled detail at the top makes it feel a bit glitzier without being too "much" for me. And you can tell from the model pic...it has POCKETS! I kind of love it so much that I may even wear it around the house for fun. Is that bad?

The good news is, I was also able to find some gold heels on an ideeli shoe sale (I may have a slight problem with online shopping. They make me reeeeeeally tall, but aren't terribly uncomfortable. I just remembered that I have yet to scuff the soles of them, so I need to add that to my "to do" list when I get home later today.


The bad news is, the pretty gold purse I ordered from Zappos has not arrived yet. I ordered it at the end of last week and have never had anything taken more than 2 days to arrive from Zappos. I thought for sure that box would be waiting for me when I got home last night and was so sad not to see it. I called Zappos who informed me that they had had some sort of system upgrade over the weekend that affected some of their shipments. Unfortunately mine was one of them. But not to worry, they showed that the package should be delivered....on FRIDAY. I expressed my disappointment as I had ordered the item for a very special event happening on THURSDAY night. The customer service rep felt so bad about it, she issued me a $30 credit towards my next Zappos order. While bummed not to have my pretty new gold purse for tonight, I have a boring black one I can use, so it's not a total loss. And I will happily use that Zappos credit in the near future, I am sure!

So not to sound like a total girly geek about it, but I am a little excited to go home and attempt to do my hair (no idea how to do that though...thoughts?)and makeup (I am better with the makeup part of things) and just enjoy playing dress up and feeling pretty. It may be just the break from all the crap-o-la I have been slogging through lately. Now to just get through a super hellatious day of work first....

What do you do?

I wanted to post something today. Something to kind of lift my mood, take a break from the craziness. I had the best of intentions to do so.

But I sat back down at my desk this afternoon, after bouncing from one meeting to the next for 6 straight hours, and it just felt like a huge wave of stress crashed over me. My shoulders feel too heavy to lift. I ate candy to console myself which only left me with a pain in my stomach (and post-candy guilt) I feel like I have so much that I need to do, let alone things that I WANT to do, and not enough time or enough of me (often both!) to do it all.

I feel stretched so thin at the moment. Some days I feel fine about it. Others, like today, I feel sick to my stomach all day about it.

It's not just work. Yes, I have a less-than-stellar work situation at the moment. That's life and there is nothing I can do about it, unfortunately. But I feel like there is too much to do outside of work as well. Some of it is fun, for sure. But there is just no balance. I knew on Monday night I should probably get a ton of sh*t done -- errands, cleaning, whatever -- because I would have no other time for at least a week or so to do it. But I decided to have a glass or two (ok, it was definitely at least two) of wine with L and lounge on the couch and watch TV.

And it felt fabulous.

I felt relaxed, I laughed, I enjoyed catching up with her. I felt closer to feeling like myself than I have in awhile. And I want so much to feel like that every day.

But I feel like my mind is just racing all the time now -- at work, not at work, just ALL. The. Time.

I have lists and more lists. I have things scheduled out so much I can't see straight. I find myself having to figure out what gifts I might need to buy or outfits I might need to have cleaned/altered/purchased for weddings/showers/birthdays/events two months from now, because if I don't get them squeezed in during any free hour or two I might have now, then it simply won't get done in time.

I feel like I am not enjoying my present. I'm fretting over all that I didn't get done yesterday and strategizing what needs to get done before tomorrow. I'm making lists in my head. I'm thinking about where I need to be and where I'll be staying for the night three days from now, and planning my mode of transportation and bag I need to pack accordingly.

I used to allow myself to "plan enough so that I could feel free to be spontaneous", if that makes sense. Make sure I had a couple extra days worth of work clothes at MVP's house, so if I wanted to stay with him one night after work, I could go there no problem. Take care of laundry or groceries on a "free" night so I didn't feel like it HAD to be done on another night because there was no more clean underwear and only cereal to eat for dinner.

So my question bloggy friends is what do you do? I try to say NO to as much as I can, believe me I do. But what do you do after that? When you are trying to keep up with it all and it feels like too damn much. When all you want to do is feel more like yourself.

What do you do?

The Rules of Dating

Just to be clear, these are the guidelines from 1938. This was shared by a friend on facebook and it made me laugh. And oh how I have felt in need of a laugh.

Some gems include:
• Never look bored, even if you are
• Don't sit in awkward positions
• Don't be sentimental...men don't like tears
• Don't talk about clothes or describe your new gown to a man

So basically, according to these and other rules, a 1938 Deviled Megs would have blown it with a 1938 MVP.

Since it sort of worked before...

Since it sort-of worked when I just put out an open letter to the universe asking for what I want, I'm thinking maybe I should try it again. I say sort-of because part of what I got was the current work situation I am in which, if you havne't been keeping up with me lately, well, it leaves a little something to be desired.

So here goes nothing.

Dear Universe,
First, I want to thank you for listening to me months ago and stepping in and making hings happen. It truly was one of the clearest times in recent memory where I felt like things were turning around for me and everything really could have a happy ending. It was the bestest feeling around. I wish I could have bottled it and saved it for now. Because now, I feel so far removed from that elated feeling that I can't even believe I had it just a few short months ago.

Perhaps I should have clarified or been more exact. My bad, Universe.

I thought the door was closing at the law firm and a window was opening here at a new job. Right now I feel like I fell out a window on the top of a tall building and got hit by every window ledge, fire escape and flagpole on the long fall down.

I'm sitting here on the pavement feeling like a banged up mess. I realize I can't undo all of this. I think it would be great if I coudl take a Mulligan right about now, but I realize that is not possible. I just need to feel better. About this job. About this choice I made.

I wanted to feel connected, to feel engaged, to feel like progress was possible. I am fine with there being a learning curve and a certain amount of ramping up time. But I don't know how ok I will be with feeling this clueless and helpless for a whole lot longer.

I need some help, universe. A roadmap, a sign, a direction. Hell, I'd settle for a little itty bitty nightlight at this point so I just didn't feel like I was totally in the dark.

I'm feeling really desperate, Universe. I don't know the last time I felt this down-to-my-ore scared. Please help. Sooner rather than later, if possible.

In the meantime, thanks for throwing me some bones with very nice readers and bloggy friends who leave me kind comments, send me virtual hugs, and write me emails that make me cry (in a good way) to let me know that even though I feel all alone in this moment and in this situation, that I have people out there hoping for me. And hoping for me extra at some points in time, when I am too tired or distraught to hope for myself any more.

Thanks in advance for your swift attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
Deviled Megs

PS -- While it didn't clear up the dark cloud looming over me as I had hoped it might, I DO appreciate you lifting away the gloomy gray rain that was a constant presence here in DC. At least now I don't have to get pummelled by people's oversized umbrellas all day long. Good looking out, Universe.

Just some more mental dumping

I don't know if it helps, per say. But I think at this point it can't make it worse, right?

• I'm more used to/accustomed/comfortable being alone that I am with the thought of actually being with someone else. To the point where I have to share my own life with them.

• I don't think my dreams of leaving DC are going to leave me. I wake up most mornings now wishing I was somewhere else.

• I've tried to be a good person and a good friend my whole life. I thought that would always work out for me. Maybe I needed a different strategy.

• I wish tomorrow was Friday. So. Very. Much.

• I also wish this weekend was one that had me free from meetings and obligations. Because I think right now I would do very well with a weekend of movies and popcorn on the couch. In my pajamas. Maybe a pedicure. Could make me a whole new person.

Mental Dump

Because the weather has lifted around these parts....but my muddled, gray mood remains. And I don't know what to do about it. And literally there is nothing I can do about it at this time of day except just dump everything out here. Really not for any other reason then to just try and release some of it and hope it helps.

• I am terrified that I made the wrong choice by taking this job. I think back to all of the reasons I thought I was running towards this job, namely having actual coworkers and being part of a team, and am realizing that I don't have them. And am really scared that they won't come in time.

• I am scared that I am predisposed to work unfufilling jobs. Not that I need to be finding a cure for cancer or feeding starving folks. But I remember (vaguely) what it is like to feel passionate about your work. To feel engaged, and connected, and like you can accomplish something. And I haven't felt like that in so very long...and I am scared I might not feel it again.

• I sometimes feel like I don't know how to be in this relationship. I feel like I was in enough not so great ones that those are the only kind that I know how to be in. I feel like I'm losing some part of myself in this relationship with MVP right now because I want so much to hold onto it. And I feel like I'm compromising some of myself to do that, maybe more than I am comfortable with. And I just don't know how I feel about it.

• I feel so stressed out and overwhelmed at the moment. By the things I just described and by all the to do's to be done and obligations to meet and places I'm supposed to be. I just feel stretched and pulled in too many directions.

• As much as I do love spending time with MVP, I sometimes just feel a bit lonely and like I'd like to spend some quiet time by myself.

• I feel like I'm just unconnected/disconnected at the moment. Drifting. And I don't know what to do. When I'm by myself at night sometimes I just cry because I feel somewhat helpless to fix how messy everything feels at the moment.

Almost Friday and the Ten Day Challenge

Does anyone else ever feel like short weeks somehow find a way to actually feel longer? As in, it feels like this week should already be over. Again, I am going to blame this gray, rainy, dreary weather in the DC area for my general funk of an attitude I seem to be stuck in this week. I am seriously hoping that that song is right and that gray skies are, in fact, gonna clear up. Because I am more than in need of putting on a happy face.

Seven Wants Is it bad that I also feel like I could eeeeeeasily complete a seventy wants list??

•1• To start getting the hang of things at work. I still feel so unsure of things and so clueless. The worst of it all is that I feel so unsettled. Which is already how one might feel when your company is being sold and you are unsure about your future. If I could at least feel more confident and sure of the work I was doing, it might make it all a bit more bearable.

•2• To lose a bit more weight. When I dropped weight earlier this year, I felt wonderful. I felt accomplished and had more self confidence and just had a better outlook on things. Basically, I felt successful at something, which was something I had not felt in awhile.

•3• An iPad. Do I NEED it? No, sure don't. But boy do I want one. REAL BAD.

•4• To just relax and chill the f*ck out a little. My brain feels like it has a crack-addict hamster running on a wheel non stop. I have felt so stressed out and anxious lately that I had a little bit of a meltdown the other morning as I tried to figure out my plan for the day. On a related note, if this feeling continues, I NEED some waterproof mascara. STAT. I guess the upshot is that MVP has seen me at some of my worst lately and has yet to run for the hills.

•5• To be able to be present in the moment. I am always thinking ahead to what I need to do later that day, or where I am running to and what I need to accomplish this weekend to get ready for the next week. I don't feel like I am living in the present, just constantly preparing for (and as we have learned stressing out about) what is coming up next.

•6• A kitchen worthy of my culinary aspirations.

•7• To be like one of the many, many fabulous bloggers I met at this summer's BlogHer conference, and turn this fun distraction into something bigger. I wrote awhile back that I wanted to adopt more of a "Why not me?" attitude because the only way it definitely can't happen for me is if I don't even try. And that worked for awhile. Then coming back from that conference I felt like it was both possible and impossible, all at the same time. I want to be successful with this. I want to be one of those people that was able to take this fun little blogging thing they liked to do and turn it into something more. Whether that was the ability to do it full time and get paid or parlay it into a better job. It's just something I want so very much for myself that I can't even put it into words. I am just struggling a bit (okay, a LOT) into figuring out a roadmap for myself to follow that might allow me to make that dream a reality. Suggestions for me on how the hell I should do this are welcomed ;)

What I'm NOT Loving Wednesday and the Ten Day Challenge

Normally I enjoy taking a break on Wednesday and finding time to "find the happy" and post a What I'm Loving Wednesday. I don't know if it's the dreary weather going on here in DC, my current work situation, or the overflowing cup o' stress I have going on at the moment, but I just can't seem to muster it today. Hoping that posting at least SOMEthing will help me today, so I'm going to keep on keeping on with the Ten Day Challenge

Eight Fears Oh hell, this probably isn't going to help me is it....sonnovabitch.

•1• Not being good at what I do for work (and in my current case, just keeping my job in general)

•2• Not finding something that I can be passionate about in my job (this one, or any other one really)

•3• Just f*cking up in general...making the wrong choices, not living up to potential/expectations, letting people down, not meeting obligations.

•4• Not being able to be a mom someday.

•5• Knives. I have no idea why, but they make me tense.

•6• Getting older. IN ALL senses of the act. I will be completely honest that I worry about aging for vain reasons of how it changes the way I look and how I feel. I sometimes get fearful that I am am not as far along in my life as I could/should be at my age and that I still have a lot I hope to accomplish that I might not get to do. Basically, I'd like to get a big old Mulligan on the last 7 or so years and backtrack and do somethings differently.

•7• Not mattering. Like if I am not someone's wife or someone's mother, does that mean I don't/won't matter to anyone or that I am not really making any mark?

•8• Natural disasters. I mean, those things are scary.

TGIT, Labor Day Weekend and the Ten Day Challenge

All I am going to say is TGIT. It's so nice to have a Monday off and start the week one more day closer to Friday, isn't it?

I had a wonderful weekend up in NJ but right now I feel wiped out. I slept fine last night and all, I think maybe just the rain and gray are making me feel sleepy this morning. Oh, and the lack of caffeine. I usually have at least one cup of coffee in the morning while I am getting ready for work. TWO if feels like it might be one of those kinds of days. But that's when I am at home and I have my wonderful Keurig coffee maker (AKA, one of the best damn things I ever bought.) When I stay at MVP's house, I start my day sans-Kcup coffee. And I think it may be starting to take it's toll one me.

I think lack of caffeine also makes me prone to go off on tangents.....so getting this post back on track. Weekend was really great. Got up and out on the road bright an early on Saturday morning. Managed to sneak in about 5 or 6 total Wawa stops during the 3 day trip, which in and of itself would make the weekend wildly successful in my book. Went out to dinner on Saturday night at a restaurant that I used to go to all the time growing up. Took a drive to Atlantic City on Sunday where my AC Lucky Streak officially came to an end. I usually win $50 or $60 bucks playing my fave, penny slots. I ended up winning nothing and didn't break even. MVP managed to win $100 at the blackjack table though. I'm thinking he must have stolen my lucky AC mojo or something. As we were leaving AC for the day, my mom said to me, "It makes me sad that that $60 bucks I spent playing slots could have been put towards buying a new purse." Any doubts about me being my mother's daughter were completely squelched by that comment.

MVP enjoyed meeting my Pop-Pop (as I had a hunch he would) and I think the feeling was mutual. As we were leaving, my Pop-Pop told him he could come back any time and he didn't even need to bring me with him. No, I am not even making that up for comedic effect. I kind of felt like my Dad has a bit of a thing for MVP too...I think he enjoys having someone new to talk Phillies with and tell jokes too. Forgive me for being a little sappy for a moment, but I can't even describe how happy it makes me to see MVP get along so well with my family. Everything feels so comfortable and relaxed...and I feel really, really lucky.

Ok, that's way too much mush for me, let's get on to the next item in the Ten Day Challenge, shall we?

Nine Loves
•1• Baking. It relaxes me, relieves stress, allows me to be creative. I only wish I had a kitchen big enough for all of my wildest baking dreams!

•2• Presents. I absolutely adore shopping for presents for other people and giving gifts.

•3• Matching pajamas. It's such a lame thing to admit, but I am a sucker for a snazzy set of matching pajamas. Even lamer to admit that I have my collection actually hanging on hangers in my closet.

•4• Being down the shore. I realized this weekend how very happy being down the shore makes me. It reminds me of all the summers I spent there growing up and how lucky I was to have all that time with my Gram and Pop-Pop. And I also noticed how relaxed and peaceful I felt there. I really wish I could live by the beach all year round.

•5• Writing. I wrote a LOT when I was little and it was a wonderful outlet for my creativity. Now having this little space on the internet to call my own has given me a place to rekindle that need to be creative. But more than that, it has given me the opportunity to vent, talk about my fears and frustrations, be honest, and, above all, make connections with people. It came about at a time in my life where I was feeling really disconnected and helped me discover my own little online tribe. And I love that so many other people out there are fearless in sharing their stories - funny, heartbreaking and everything in between.

•6• Monograms. I can't give you the rhyme or reason behind it, but OH how I love a good monogram. I put them every place possible and don't care who teases me for it. So yes, that is a monogram on my car, my iPhone, my ring, my Tervis Tumbler. It makes me happy, so suck it.

•7• Movies. I absolutely love going to the movies. I love being in that dark theater and forgetting about everything else that's going on for 90-120 minutes. On a rainy/gray day like today, I honestly wish I could have called out sick from work and spent the whole day at the movies. It's like my church/therapy/happy place all rolled into one.

•8• Cheese. Sorry, but I think I would eat just about anything if you slapped some cheese on it. I know my cholesterol and waistline would be better off if I went with out it. Sometimes I know I shouldn't indulge, but when I see some cheese...well I have a little Brokeback moment where I wish I knew how to quit cheese. Too much? Sorry y'all....just keeping it real here.

•9• My Phillies. Though the good, the bad, and the '93 Mullets. I love them. I always have and I always will.

TGIF and the Ten Day Challenge

Holy TGIMF, guys. And I'm pretty sure most of you can figure out what that "M" is for. I am so stinking happy today is Friday, and that there is a glorious 3-day weekend ahead. This week has been such a doozy. Work has been giving me a fair amount of stress these days and may account for some of my lack of posting.

I told MCW at Saving the Best For Last that I needed to steal borrow the Ten Day Challenge she has been rocking the past few days. Just because I know I need to write a bit to help alleviate some of my stress/nerves/anxiety that I have been dealing with lately..and I can write a bit easier when I have a little direction. I am SUCH a good rule follower, you guys have no idea.

So here we go....

Ten Secrets
•1• I have a degree in English but have managed to never read some of the "greats" from the canon of literature - Moby Dick, A Tale of Two Cities, Pride & Prejudice to name a few. They weren't required in any class I ever took and I never sought them out to read on my own.

•2• I can't sleep if my feet are covered. They need to be outside of the blankets.

•3• When I was little (maybe around 8 or 9) my parents had to serve as prom chaperones at the high school where they taught. Instead of getting a babysitter for me, they decided I could just go with them. I told everyone I was bringing Ricky Schroeder as my date. Needless to say, he did not make the trip to PA to escort little Deviled Megs to the dance.

•4• I often got to spend days off from school at my parent's high school so that they didn't have to worry about leaving me at home alone. I used to sneak into the "phone room" in one of the offices and call the NKOTB hotline. You know the one where you just heard some lame pre-recorded messages and paid by the minute? Sufficed to say, I never offered up that it was me when the admins would get the bill and be furious that some of the high school students were making these calls using the school phone lines.

•5• I did not have any friends to play with when I spent summers at my grandparent's shore house, so I used to drag all my Gram's plastic animal lawn ornaments into the shed and pretend I was an animal expert on a talk show. I amused myself for hours.

•6• I have had more stitches as an adult then I ever had as a child.

•7• I can't really swim.

•8• I wrote a fan letter to Whitney Houston when I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade and told her that her song "How Will I Know" really spoke to me. Considering this and my Ricky Schroeder prom date fiasco, and I think I must have been one star-struck, overly dramatic little kid. All I got back from Whitney was an autographed picture. That I think I may still have at my parent's house.

•9• Most times when I say I don't like a food, I've never actually even tried it. Terrible, I know.

•10• I sometimes b*tch about my volunteer work as a sorority advisor, or worse, make a big joke about it all, but it really means a lot to me and I enjoy working with the collegians. Although they also make me feel like a horrible old dinosaur.

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend! I'm headed up to the Jersey Shore (fistpump!) bright and early tomorrow morning to visit my Pop-Pop. I think I see a trip to Atlantic City to play the penny slots in my future....

Rabbit, Rabbit....

Because I feel like I need all the good luck I can get this month!
Happy September, everyone :)