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I am in the process of evaluating my time on the board, and deciding what (if any) position I would like to move to. 3+ years of advising Membership Recruitment has be burnt out and worn out. In having a conversation about potentially taking over as chair of the board, a theme came up again and again. I don't have kids. I don't have a husband. Apparently my lack of those two things equates to me having nothing at all do do with my time and no life, therefore I have more than enough time to give to the board and the chapter.
While I have gotten frustrated by this sort of thing before, I think it now has me reaching my boiling point.
Can we all just cut the crap, ladies? Can we stop comparing ourselves and our lives to others while silently judging and measuring one another up? It accomplishes NOTHING. Hell, even if I DID have a husband and/or kids, that doesn't mean that my life or my circumstances would be identical to another wife or mother.
And just as it is wildly inappropriate to ask a married couple when they plan to start having kids (maybe they aren't....maybe they are trying and haven't been successful....maybe it isn't ANYONE ELSE'S Business) it is intrusive and quite RUDE to ask someone in a relationship when they think they will be getting married. While I know this topic always seems to come up around the holidays or other large family gatherings, and then again as a popular question to couples at weddings, I have been asked about this more times than I care to count in the past month or so.
When thinking whether I was going to continue with the board, I was asked (and on more than one occasion and by more than one person) if I was considering taking a step back because I was getting married. And one person who said it made it sound as if my getting married was the equivalent to being declared cured of cancer by a doctor. I was so offended I flat out told the woman it really was none of her business and walked away.
What if I don't get married....does that make me some sort of societal leper? Should people talk about me as if I were terminally ill or lost a limb?
What if I do get married....does that make me a better person? Does that entitle me to better treatment at work or by peers and friends?
Anyone else have a similar experience? While I hope it isn't just me, I also hate to think that this kind of inconsideration and intrusiveness is commonplace.
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Thats terrible that people are making you feel that way. And you're right, it's really none of their business. Why does that matter for what position you hold? It certainly shouldnt.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for standing up for yourself. If those people continue to make you feel that way, I would look into whether or not I really needed to be associated with those type of individuals. Life is too short to waste it on people who aren't worthwhile
I read an article recently (if I can find it again, I'll send to you) about how the people who ask those questions and push their lifestyle are typically unhappy and envious of the life the person they are pressuring. The effect/pressure is to try to equalize the fence over which the grass is greener, if that makes sense?
ReplyDeleteI've been there when I was single, I'm there now with 3 years of marriage that hasn't produced a baby.
I don't know if the article is true, but I do think people generally believe their way is the best way...and if you aren't falling in line something is wrong. Or on the flip side, they assume you judge their choice because you have made (or life hasn't yet offered) different choices. I could go on (and on) about this. It bugs me a lot, too.
I have been advising for seven years and there are so many days when I question why I'm more stressed by a volunteer position than my paying job. And I've gotten the pushback and the warped ideas of free time and availability since I'm single/childless - which even though it makes me furious sometimes makes me feel guilty when I say no (terrible but true). It's hard when something like that takes away the enjoyment, or casts a shadow over it.
ReplyDeletePreach it, sister! I got married at 33. Ten years later and not a child to show for it. Volunteering isn't worth it if you aren't enjoying it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better for getting it off your chest, too.
Laurie
Lulu and Daisy
I totally get that point. I have been there too. I am tired of people just assuming I have time to have stuff dumped on me because I don't have kids or a man to go home too. I have things I enjoy doing and don't want to be tied down to just one thing all the time
ReplyDeleteMy issue that when nowadays when people ask if I'm married and I say no, they then move to if I'm dating anyone. Like it's any of their business. Then they tell me, "Well, there's still time."
ReplyDeleteUm. Thanks for the clarification?
I am just reading this.... but get these types of questions/comments all of the time. It aggravates the heck out of me. I have stopped taking them personally, no longer correct people when they refer to Dusty as my husband and generally just make a joke out of whatever they are asking. After almost 12 years I just try to assume people are asking because its something to talk about and they are clueless that it is none of their business. People come back to our store year after year and hunt Dusty down to ask if "he married that girl yet".... how inappropriate! I may have sold you some patio furniture, so how is is ANY of their business? LIttle do they know its all me... and he really gets a bad wrap sometimes. And he plays along, laughs, and tells them he is waiting for his big ring.
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