I am overwhelmed by my feelings of not being enough.
I know I have lamented here quite often about my troubles at work. At how I am somehow not enough, mostly because I am a woman. While my male colleague was promoted shortly after that incident to the same role/title as me, he has no additional responsibilities or work as a result. Just a higher title and, I presume, a better salary.
Meanwhile I run circles around him at work and nothing happens.
I applied for an opening -- more senior -- within my department. I had several colleagues in various departments ask me if I was considering applying because it seemed like such a great fit for me. So I thought, you know what, I should. I was granted an "interview" that I was told would "take no more than 30 min." Don't need to be a genius to know that this "interview of no more than 30 minutes" is not going to be an actual interview. That meeting took place this morning where I was told it was "admirable" that I applied, but the role was being given to someone else within the company. That I "shouldn't be discouraged" because "opportunities eventually come up somewhere for people like you (me)", and - my personal favorite - "I felt I owed it to you for you to hear the news from me."
Um....was that supposed to be inspiring? Motivating? Comforting? Not sure.
He also made it sound like a timing issue, citing that this internal candidate had applied last week.
Wait...so had I.
And that this candidate had great relationships with X, Y, and Z.
Wait...so do I.
I literally have so many thoughts and feelings coursing through me right now.
Anger. Disappointment. Confusion. Sadness. Apathy. Hopelessness.
But I just keep on return over and over again to this feeling of not being enough.
It's not just at my job -- where in actuality the work that I do is MORE THAN ENOUGH -- but in my volunteer work, in my personal relationships.
I feel less than. Worse than that, I feel unworthy.
I feel like "someone like me" doesn't get to have the good job. Good being defined by sane workplace with mostly supportive colleagues and opportunity for advancement.
"Someone like me" doesn't get to have the husband and kids and all of that.
"Someone like me" isn't the sort that is held in high regard by friends and colleagues. I'm not anything special. Not anything memorable.
This meeting today was the straw that broke the camel's back in terms of my thoughts about myself right now. I wish I could just go home, crawl under my blanket for a few days, be alone, and then come back to work on Monday. I just need time. Away from my sh*tty worklife. Away from other people.
I just want so much to be alone with my thought because I feel like I need to actually FEEL these FEELINGS. I worry I have been brushing them off for so long and that may be what has led me to where I am now.
I don't know if that makes any sense. I don't know if I am the only one who feels this way because it's honestly not something many people are openly talking about. Well, at least not anyone I know.
Ok so maybe Ron Burgundy gets me....
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I've felt this way before. But, it always seemed as if work was going good - my personal life was not and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteAre you and MVP still together?
Yes, we are. But nothing new (good or bad) to report there.
DeleteOh man I feel like this right now. I lost my job a few months ago, it wasn't even a job I liked, but I've also been single for quite awhile and have just been wondering lately when are all the pieces of my life going to fall into place? I also think the thoughts about being unworthy. Like other people get to have these great careers, husbands and kids and for some reason (I don't know why) I don't. But I try to stay positive and think my time will eventually come. Your work situation sounds like its really destructive and perhaps that's what is making you feel inadequate in other areas of your life even if that's not the case. Maybe getting a new job externally would help your state of mind and run off on all other areas of your life? Anyway I do hope things turn around for you soon :)
ReplyDeleteThank you. SO much. This is one of those instances where you are happy to feel like you are not alone and somehow validated by someone else out there, just sitting at a computer, reading a little blog post.
DeleteI hate you had to go though that today. I hope things start to turn around for you soon.
ReplyDeleteI know you've heard this before, but I think that this environment is nothing but detrimental for, and to, you. You really need to look at finding a healthier environment for you, where you DO feel like your efforts and work are valued and appreciated. Until that changes, it doesn't sound like anything else where you're at is going to change. You've done everything that you can in order to try and make them "see" that, but it's not enough....not because YOU aren't enough, but because this place isn't the place for you to shine. They won't let you. Would you stay in a relationship like this?? No! I know it's scary to look for another job, especially in a tight job market, but it's also scary to face this horrible outcome day in and day out with no end in sight. Do something FOR YOU!
ReplyDelete