Yes, I am alive!

I've gotten juuuuuust a few emails and messages over the last couple days about my lack of posting on here. Sorry bout that folks! Things have been a bit busy and I have also been enjoying a little time off from work. Much needed time off from work or I was really going to have a meltdown.

I had to head up to PA earlier than I had planned to drive up for Thanksgiving. Sadly, my Godmother (who I had mentioned in this previous post) passed away and her funeral was last Monday. While it was a sad occasion, the service was filled with so much joy and music. I want to write about it because it really was a touching day and a great tribute to the wonderful person she was, I just haven't had it in me to write it out yet.

I enjoyed Thanksgiving up in PA and even a Saturday evening in NJ with one of my best friends from college...but it was a good feeling to come back to VA and my apartment. And then there have also been more dates with this guy (no, not Fist Bump, the guy at the end of the posting)

Just as I was getting used to feeling like a human being again...one that isn't inundated with work emails and wincing at the red light blinking on my blackberry, I had to come BACK to work today and I have literally felt the waves of stress crash down over me all again. I am even taking this small mental break now to write this because I have no idea what time I am going to leave my office tonight.

So please bear with me as I struggle to find some semblance of "back to normal" and can get back in a good routine of posting again.

I hope everyone out there had a wonderful Thanksgiving (and came back to a happier office than I seem to have returned to!)

Where's Deviled Megs?

Work and life have been kicking my @ss lately...and winning. Big time. One of the things that stinks about that, is that when I feel like I am running around and then just run down, I am always thinking of things I want to write about. Even crafting the posts in my head. And here's where I also sheepishly admit I carry around a tiny notebook where I jot down notes and thoughts for writing up later. Dork.

It shows no signs of slowing down or getting better anytime soon...ugh. But hopefully I can turn a couple of these notes, thoughts and ideas into honest-to-goodness well-thought and semi-well-written posts pretty soon!

Until then, I thought you all would really love to see what I have been looking at for most of my waking hours the past couple weeks!


While not a total disaster, this is really messy for my desk. And I shudder to think at how many trees I have killed recently printing out so much STUFF. Maybe the firm should participate in a tree-planting event in the Spring to make up for all the ones we kill by printing out everything under the sun. While the ipod helps sometimes, there are not enough volumes of NOW! That's What I Call Music to get me through my days. Also, how depressing are my bare white walls? Maybe I should bring in my Blush-n-Brush creation to hang up there?


After giving up drinking it at work recently...I caved today and got a Diet Dr. Pepper (in my re-usable Sbux tumbler.) That stuff is like crack to me, hence the need to get myself off of it. The crackberry plugged in next to it, well I am thinking I might throw him on the Metro tracks later this evening.


I keep looking at this on my desk and realizing it would be more helpful if I could drink champagne AT my desk. I think all this work would be a helluva lot less stressful. And yes, the light is on over on my phone meaning I have new voicemail messages. I won't tell you all how many because I am so embarrassed. See? I really do hate the phone.

Other items not included in this photo:
• gum - and lots of it
• slipper socks - I wear them when I am just sitting at my desk because if I am going to have a miserable day at work, I might as well be comfortable
• nail polish - best time for a DIY manicure? A too-long and boring conference call.

Reinventing yourself

While there are lots and lots of ways I would like to reinvent myself, there is nothing I would like more than to do that in the area of my job. I have sadly watched myself go from someone who was dedicated, diligent and passionate about their work to someone who was a loyal and dutiful employee, putting in how ever many hours and sacrificing parts of my life to get the job done. And know I am just someone who shows up and tries to survive the day with as little scarring and mental fatigue as possible.

Sometimes I wonder if people sort of "get it" when I tell them about my concerns or stresses about my jobs. The reporting to 86 different people. The difficulty of rarely seeing if ever speaking to your bosses. The constant criticism. The loud and often harsh complaints from lawyers. The lack of having actual coworkers. Well, with the exception of Fabulous Assistant B, but I know she will fly the coop soon (and I would be so, so happy for her!) but then I really will be all alone.

I used to be a highly creative person. Well, I guess I would still consider myself one, but I don't get to be that person at work anymore. I haven't ever since I came to the world of law firms. And while I am a Marketing and Communications person by trade and by experience, little of that sort of Mark/Comm comes into play in the world of law firms.

I know that it's very rare for people to love their actual jobs. That one in a million people bound out of bed in the morning and are just raring to get into their office. But I know it's possible to like your work -- to like and respect your coworkers, to work on a team, to take pride in your company. I know all of that is possible. I just wish it were possible for me.

I am scared that while I have only been in firm life for 3 years now, that I may be stuck here forever. And I would be lying if I didn't say that thought simply terrifies me.

For better or worse, I have always been someone who has needed to be engaged with my work. Not in some crazy sense of "my work is my life" or "my work is all I have"....but in some ways, yes I do feel that way to an extent. My work has always been a big part in defining me. Gives me something to improve upon, to devote myself to. Something to be proud of, something to build on. As someone who has never been certain I would take the married with a family route, dedicating myself, working hard, doing good work and building a successful career became increasingly more important to me. Because I am doing the work for me. Not as a means to provide for my family.

But now all I feel is scared. And maybe a little sad and regretful. Maybe I got myself into a field that I won't ever be able to break out of. Has anyone else ever experienced this sort of work panic attack? Experienced this deep seated need to reinvent themselves job-wise? If there is anyone reading this who has been able to do this successfully I would love to hear from you. Hell, even if you haven't but you have felt this very same way, I would love to hear from you! Sometimes it makes you feel just a little bit better to know someone else has had the same experiences. And feeling just a little bit better would be pretty darn great right about now.

Bonus? I just hit spellcheck and it said "No misspellings found." Is it sad that that might be the highlight of my whole week?

Totally Irritating Thursday

Work has gone out of its way to annoy, irritate and frustrate me today. Which happens often, I just try to roll with the punches. Which I often CAN do very successfully...until you add in all this crap.

1. To the woman in the office next door - there is no more yogurt in your cup. For the love of cheese and crackers, stop scrape-scrape-scraping your spoon around in the cup trying to get every little last bit of it out. Seriously, that noise is like nails on a chalboard to me. Or almost as bad as...

2. Your fake nails tap-tap-tapping on the top of your desk. I think she does it out of habit when she is thinking about something. And from the endless annoying sounds of her nails all damn day long, I would think there was enough thinking going on next door to fix the national economy or stop global warming.

3. People need to PICK THEIR DAMN FEET UP when they walk. You are not Frankenstien so stop clomp-clomp-clomping around in the hallway outside of your office. This goes triple for the woman who makes 72 trips to the ice machine and then crunches it with such force, I am surprised she still has teeth in her head.

4. To add to this cacophony of craptastic noise, there is a woman in the cube outside who sings all day. Out loud. And she isn't that good. We work at a law firm, not a karaoke bar, so please shut the f up. Unless you decide to start singing Glee or showtunes...in which case I may come out and join you.

5. Endless conference calls -- if I circulated an agenda to all of you prior to the call, that means that is what we are going to talk about. And not one thing more. If people have to start leaving the call becuase they have clients waiting on them, it means we should wrap it up!

6. Improper or uneccesary use of the reply all function on emails. People should need to pass a course before given permission to use this feature.

7. Replying all wouldn't be as much of a problem if some people in my department did not feel the need to cc the entire f-ing department on every damn email. You better hope you never send me somthing important, because I am deleting about 98% of your emails.

8. And on top of ALL of this today, I had to attend a lunch meeting (lukewarm veggies.....yum)with about 45 people. And who sits down next to me? This guy.

Better off Well

Yesterday I got taken down by some stomach bug. I was in the office and trying to soldier through the day until I started running a fever, then got the chills, and then got, well, sick. Getting sick is never a fun thing, but having it happen at work is always such an ordeal. I let my bosses know that I was going to need to leave early -- I left about 3:30. Things were under control, Asst. was fine and could cover anything that may come up. I mean really in the big picture, I was technically just leaving an hour and a half early.

I laid low last night, tried to recoup, but this morning still felt under the weather. So I let all my bosses know, let Asst and HR in my DC office know, and updated an out of office message to direct people to contact Asst. in my absence. Should be okay, right? I mean people get sick and the world hasn't ended before, right?

Wrong. So. Very. Wrong.

As they are wont to do, some lawyer waited until the last minute for help with something very important and very time sensitive. One of the biggest stresses of the law firm environment is that EVERYthing is very important and time sensitive, so it all feels a bit like working for a million Chicken Littles.

So the email came in at 11 and I missed it because I had gone back to sleep for awhile because I was just not feeling so hot (I mean, people often sleep on their sick days, right?) When I finally saw it just before 1pm I immediately got the request out to the appropriate people to help him but was told I was just too damn late. I should have responded right away.

My out of office message was on with clear instructions on what to do if there was an immediate an urgent need. If they ignored that email and were still waiting for someone to get them what they needed, then pick up the phone and start calling people. There's a million things that could have been done to solve this issue. But they just let time pass and then got really angry with me for not being in the office.

I brought in one of my bosses (Because anyone with half a brain knows that good or bad, bring your boss in early on something like this. It's better for them to hear about it from you first.) and she sent a great email about the situation, that in times where something is time-critical to cc the marketing department in the office you are in so that we call all be on the same page and get done what needs to get done. She noted that unfortunately I was out sick today and had contact instructions on my out of office.

Then the two partners snapped back that they received no out of office. Oh give me a break. It was on, I even then emailed myself from my personal account to double check. I then had to go and CALL IT so that they could confirm it for me so that when the two partners continued to complain that I had not turned my OOO message on, I could get some technical back up.

So the long and short of it is I did everything I was supposed to. I notified the proper people about my need to use a sick day today. I have been working for the last three-plus hours on trying to do as much as I can since I am not physically in the office. And none of it has been good enough. In fact, I can't tell if the pains in my stomach now are illness related, or anxiety about going in to the office tomorrow to get yelled at some more.

Sorry this post wasn't very humorous or insightful -- it was really just me complaining. But I am having one of those days where I just feel so frustrated by, tired of, and basically OVER my job and am struggling to find a way to make peace with it. I guess at least tomorrow is Friday?

So long, Temp Assistant. I will not miss you.

I can hardly believe that a little over three months have gone by since my Temp Assistant arrived to help hold down the fort while my Assistant was out on maternity leave. I may have aged about three years in that time frame. I have gotten countless gray hairs. I have bitten my tongue so many times I think it may be permanently swollen.

But here we are. Her very last day in the office. Is it wrong that I have as much excitement and enthusiasm as kids do on the last day of school? Like when the day is over I want to run out into the street and throw a bunch of files and pens in the air and twirl around?? Ok calm down, I am not going to actually do that (although I really want to) but I don’t know what to say to her on her last day here. “So glad you’re leaving!” doesn’t seem entirely appropriate to say to her face. And I’m sure they don’t make a cute card that says “Sorry to see you go but I won’t miss your complete incompetence and total lack of common sense.”

If nothing else, she has provided loads of people I know with a lot of laughs via my facebook status updates. People actually have written to me on facebook asking for me to update MORE about her. I guess they didn’t realize I was a little short on free time because I was using what other spare minutes I had cleaning up her mistakes. So I thought I would take the occasion of her last day to list some of the favorite highlights from this summer and perhaps some lessons we can all learn from them.

• One day, Temp Asst. addressed me as Heather. TWICE. My name isn’t even close to being Heather, I don’t look like any famous Heather….I don’t really know why she did it once, let alone twice. Perhaps she was trying to get rid of me, but that doesn’t really work in an office place setting.
• Temp Asst. also liked to email me at 8:59am saying “she might be a little late.” Well, work starts at 9am. So unless you are writing that email from the lobby of our building, you ARE going to be late, there is no might. Or perhaps you have mastered time travel. And if so, I would imagine if you applied yourself you could land a MUCH better job than temping with that kind of skill.
• Unfortunately, it’s often expected that you work late. Especially in law firms. I rarely asked you to (mostly because I spend more time fixing your mistakes than it is worth having you “help out”) but when I did, you were really vague about why you couldn’t. You need to have a list of prepared excuses on hand to let me know why you can’t stay a minute past 5pm. Trust me, I would have rather been at happy hour myself than working on a proposal late on a Friday.
• When you do come up with excuses, the key is to keep some variety and change them up a bit. You had far too many doctor’s appointments that you had either “forgotten” or came up very last minute for a seemingly healthy 23 year old.
• You have such poor attention to detail it frightens me. Some days I am amazed you made it into the office with your shoes on the right feet. But when typing and proofing documents, you need to really buckle down and not rely on spell-check. Because the word ship can be something TOTALLY different if you change that last letter. And I have too much work of my own to do and can't deal with proofing your ship.



• I don’t know what goes on in college these days, but I imagine at some point you still need to do some actual reading. I apologize that work emails aren’t all LOLs and OMGs, but if you actually take a few moments to read things thoroughly (and comprehend what you have read), you would avoid sounding like a total fool. You noted the other day that you would walk the materials to the lawyer's office and I surely didn’t jump in to correct you. I actually wanted to see how you were going to walk them to his office. In Philadelphia.
• Work ends at 5pm. I know there may not be anything for you to do between 4:50 and 5 but you are getting paid for those ten minutes so go back to your desk and get on facebook or read Perez Hilton for the last ten minutes like the rest of us.
• If you are going to sneak out early, have the decency to do some actual sneaking. Strolling right by my open office door to head to the elevators is just ballsy. And not in a good way.


I know I may not have always been the best boss to you, but I really have tried. I thought back to my first jobs out of school where I just sat making copies and stuffing folders and what that feels like. I tried to give you some understanding of where your work was fitting into the bigger picture and the integral role you were playing. I tried to joke around with you and get to know you as a person and who you are “outside the office.” I complimented you on your shoes (and how I thought they were cute, not marveling at how you managed to get them on the right feet all by yourself.) I played good cop. I played bad cop. One day I shut my door and cried because I was just so exhausted by you and your inability to do anything. And through it all, you just looked at me with a big, blank stare.

So good luck out there, Temp Asst. You are gonna need it.

Frazzled Friday

Work has been stressing me out beyond belief lately and today took that to a new level of suck. And as much as I wish I could scream or yell or stomp my feet, none of those actions is workplace appropriate. So I excused myself for a quick walk around the block to clear my head and get some sun, and now I am going to just use a teensy bit of typing here to vent. And hopefully (please, God, please) feel a little better.

I hate that as best I try, I have no semblance of control over my days here at the firm. I hate trying to decide which "due by COB" project is really going to have a shot of getting done by COB. I often hesitate about making plans for after work and then at about 2 o'clock sit wondering if I need to send the I may be late/not able to make it at all email because you just don't know how the rest of the day is going to play out. Granted, I think that in today's case, these are plans I shouldn't have made anyway, so maybe this whole stressful scenario at work is some kind of karma or bigger force at work. Who knows. If that's the case then touche, karma. Touche.

I hate when people tell me "Well I would just leave. I wouldn't put up with that kind of sh*t at work." Really? REALLY?? So you would just say, "I'm sorry that the project was not complete, but it is 5pm and that is my quitting time. Best of luck to you and I hope this doesn't permanently scar our existing relationship with that client. Later!" Please tell me where the money tree is located in your backyard or the endless stash of jobs you have lined up for after the one you walk out on at 5pm because "that's when you are supposed to leave" promptly fires your @ss.

I hate when people at work expect me to be even more flexible in my ability to stay late/come in early/work weekends because I am not married and/or have kids. No, I am not a wife or a mom but I do HAVE A LIFE. One that doesn't involve the firm, goes on during evenings and weekends, and is outside of this office. And it is of no less value because there isn't a husband or children in it at the moment, thank you very much.

Well surprisingly I feel the tiniest bit better. Hoping and praying I can get through the rest of the day and not end up screaming or yelling or stomping my feet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then my Dad sent me a text letting me know my Mom Mom loved the wreath I made her and they hung it up on the door to her room at the home she lives at. Now that definitely made me smile forget some of my stress of today.

Office Observations -- why America is fat

Every month, my office holds a "monthly birthday party" to come together as a firm and celebrate everyone whose birthday is that month. These gatherings are complete with TWO kinds of cake and usually at least THREE kinds of ice cream. I rarely go because either (a) I am chained to my desk working on some project or (b) I owe someone a project and haven't finished it yet and don't want to run into them at the party.

Well today is the "September Birthdays Celebration" and even though I am actually on that list of honorees, I was not going to go up to the shindig. Mostly because of Reason A listed above but also because of Reason C - I don't feel like making mindless small talk with people I don't wanna talk to.

And I don't know why I just noticed it today - I am sure it happens every single month - but a staggering number of people from my floor (the tenth) have been pouring off the elevators with their HUGE bowls overflowing with cake and ice cream. No lie, most people get TWO BOWLS EACH. Because who needs the pressure of deciding between vanilla and chocolate cake??? Just get both. Unless you are on the bomb squad and have to pick which wire to cut, no one should be forced to make such challenging decisions.



Anywhoozle, so these office guys and gals are gorging themselves on cake and ice cream.

That they got from upstairs.

On the eleventh floor.

This sugar buffet was located up one flight of stairs.

Yet all these folks used the elevator.


I guess when you have a bowl in each hand, it's easier to press a button then open a door?

Am I all grown up? Or have I run out of time?

Labor Day unofficially signifies the end of summer and the start of football, school and all things Fall. I was kind of curious about the actual history behind it so I looked it up as I usually enjoy a good bit of history. Essentially , the first official federally recognized Labor Day has to do with President Cleveland rushing a national holiday through congress out of fear of further conflict after the deaths of union workers at the hands of the US Military during the Pullman Strike in 1894. Yeah, doesn't exactly make me want to eat a hot dog and light a sparkler either.

But this day is always supposed to be a working man's holiday, a day off from your day-to-day grind to relax and unwind a bit. I wish I was able to do either. I have had this nagging, growing unrest related to all things "work" lately. It's much different than my previous position where I just got exhausted even thinking about the work week ahead of me because I knew with unwavering certainty that it would be filled with running around, long days, late nights and constant pressure. Believe me, I am glad I am not faced with that each week.

Now it's more of a look ahead into....nothing. Nothing to excite me or motivate me. Nothing to set my sights on and set a plan in place to reach the goal. Just an expanse of basic humdrum everdays, with the occasional stressful proposal or asshole lawyer thrown in for good measure. And every Sunday night I have this thought over and over and over in my head as I try to get to sleep: this is not what I wanted to be when I grow up.

I know that is a thought shared by lots of other people out there. We find ourselves in jobs and careers you may have never even imagined doing. Never went to school and studied for. Life happens and sometimes you just sort of fall into things; that's certainly what happened to me.

When I was really little, I wanted to be a princess when I grew up. This was obviously before I knew you had to be born or marry into royalty, there wasn't a whole training program and application process.


Then I went through a phase where I wanted to be a paleontologist. I wish I could say I was making that up, but it's the honest to god truth. I have an obscene amount of dinosaur knowledge because I read countless books on the subject when I was around 10 or 11. Like encyclopedia-sized books. I am sure at some point I realized that wasn't going to work because a lifetime of khaki-colored outfits and limited ability to accessorize would probably drive me crazy. **Side note, while the movie "The Land Before Time" had nothing to do with my dinosaur infatuation and desire to be a paleontologist, I love, love, love that movie and dare you to watch it and not get choked up. I could watch it today with all of its sub-par animation and still cry like a baby like I haven't already seen the movie 1,653 times**

Later in life -- like way later, towards the middle of junior year of college -- I thought I wanted to work in higher education for the rest of my life as a univeristy administrator. There was something special to me about being on a college campus that made me want to work on them for the rest of my life, the familial feel that you got just being on the grounds of one drew me in and really seduced me. Then I spent a year after graduation actually working in the field as I studied for and took my GREs and applied and interviewed at schools noted for their Higher Ed Admin programs. And actually working in it made me question my desire to go back to school to learn how to do it.

So late in the game, I did my own sort of hail mary pass by applying to one school for its Film program. I thought if they accepted me without any portfolio of work from undergrad, it was a sign that it was what I was supposed to do. They did, so I said yes. Don't worry, I question my own decision making abilities too and so does anyone who has ever met me. But those two years I spent studying and learning and creating were some of the most exciting times in my life. My track of focus was writing and I spent two years telling stories and creating characters. I worked harder than I ever had at it, but knew I was good at it. And I was happy.

And that wasn't really a surprise to me because I had been writing and telling stories ever since I was very little. As early as second grade I was winning awards for my short stories (soooo.....between this admission and the paleontologist bit, I have pretty much admitted to being a HUGE childhood nerd, huh?) I excelled in my English classes and in any project where a creative eye and imaginative thinking was needed. Taking tests has always made me want to break out in hives. Oral presentations and lengthy papers? Easy peasy.

Writing and essentially telling stories is what I have always loved best. And just because I haven't made my profession in it, doesn't mean I should ever give it up. So what am I getting at with this LOOOONG winded Labor Day posting?

I wanted to say thanks to those of you who come here from time to time and read my little stories and musings. I know there are some that know me from "real life" but there are some I have never met and that is beyond cool to me. I hope that first and foremost I always manage to get a smile or laugh out of you, but second I hope I can make you think about something or show you a viewpoint that may be different from your own. I also hope that if you enjoy it that you keep coming back and maybe tell a friend. Because I know of so many people (famous and your average joe) that have been able to do the elusive and take something they love doing and turn it into something bigger. And for once I will go out on a limb and say "Why not me?" Only reason it can't happen is if I don't try.

So my Labor Day resolution (New Year's is overrated anyways) is that I am here on this little blog to keep writing and to keep trying. Because I don't feel like I have gone and completely grown up yet. I think there might just be some time left to try and be something that I wanted to be.

Another installment of Office Observations

Why in the name of all that is good and holy, do trucks idling outside my office lay on their horns for MINUTES on end. I know that it may not seem that annoying or irritating to you reading this, but here in my office it sounds like I work at a wharf where tugboats come in and out every 20 minutes or so. It's McPherson Square, not a bay of loading docks around Baltimore's harbor. Maybe I should organize all the homeless at McP Square into some sort of militia and get this situation taken care of.

Just please, make the horns stop.

Office Observations

If wearing 2-inch or higher heels causes you to look/sound like/resemble ANY of the below, you should seriously be sticking to flats.
• The person who gets sent home week one from America’s Next Top Model
• One of the Budweiser Clydesdale horsies
• A guy dressed in drag on Halloween
• Those baby giraffes that are first trying to walk
• Ramona from Real Housewives of New York
Besides, it's a law firm. These folks aren't really known for their social skills let alone paying attention to fashion trends. They value putting together compelling arguments, not snazzy outfits. The one woman on my floor dresses in all black every day and changes it up with different pins, most of them are cats. I bet you she thinks the comic strip Cathy is a real riot too.

I don't know what's wrong with these kids today

It’s another sign that I am really getting old. At this point I have grown to a begrudging point of acceptance at being called “ma’am” sometimes and I have learned to turn a blind eye to my gray hair (since I truly got dealt a bad hand and started going gray at 21 -- I blame my Dad's side of the family for that one.) But now, I have started using the phrase “these kids today” with some regularity, and that lets me know I am O-L-D and there ain’t no turning back.

I have recently been lamenting the loss of my assistant who is out on maternity leave and the temp who is filling in until she returns. I was sad for my assistant to leave for a number of reasons – she is the only other department colleague I have here in the DC office, she knows what to do/where to find things/who to ask and knows what people need even before they do, and she let’s me know when she is going to get an afternoon pick-me-up from the cupcake truck. What's not to love? She is an intelligent person who is a hard worker and takes pride in her work from start to finish -- and her good sense of humor and cheerful disposition are just an added bonus. Like me, she never had dreams of working in a law firm. And like me, she doesn’t see this as something she wants to do forever. But we both know it is where we are today, so darn it, we are going to give it our best shot.

So I really couldn’t tell if the current temp assistant (let’s just call her CTA) was disappointing me because she wasn’t my wonderful, amazing assistant and perhaps I may have set the bar too high. Or if she was just disappointing me because she generally wasn’t giving anything her best shot. As the weeks have gone on, it is becoming increasingly clear that CTA hasn’t given anything her best shot since the shots she did at the bar in Dewey last weekend. I don’t hold that against her, she’s 22 and just graduated from college. I (vaguely) remember what it is like to be that age. But CTA simply doesn’t give a sh*t about anything here at work. A request to send out 10 emails takes her ALL day to do. I find simple and easy-to-manage administrative tasks for her to do and she somehow finds a way to do them completely wrong, so not only am I out the hour I took to explain it to her in painful detail, but the hours I need to spend fixing up her f*ck ups. I even take the time to explain the reason behind the request, and how her seemingly simple task is going to add value to a project or initiative. I thought maybe if she understood the "why" of what she was being asked to do, it would seem less like a trivial and boring chore and she might feel more like an integral part of the process. Nope, still takes her 3 times as long to do it as it should, and she does it incorrectly just to make my life more fun.

Lately, I have noticed her sauntering by my office at 4:50 to leave for the day. Do I think there is tons to do in the ten minutes leading up to 5pm? Not really, but if you are supposed to work until 5, then that’s when you leave. The fact that she casually strolls by my office door to leave means that she didn’t even care enough to find an alternate route to the elevator to sneak out. It's sad, but I think it would bother me less if she at least tried to cover up the fact that she was clearly leaving early.

Sadly, it isn’t just her. It’s characteristic of the young people I come in contact with nowadays. Most come from upper-middle class families and have every advantage that I never had -- private prep school educations, college tuition paid for by their parents, after-college apartments and living expenses "subsidized" by mom and dad so they can live a life they couldn't afford on their own meager salaries. Kids that were basically born on third base and act like they hit a home run. They have an overwhelming sense of entitlement about many things in life, but it's really apparent in the workplace. Most of them think that you should graduate and immediately have a job that gives you a private office and a great salary without having to go through any of the grunt work or lower level jobs to get there. One assistant at my current firm (not my rock-star assistant of course!) lamented that she had to take notes during a meeting. Now I know that taking meeting notes is not an exciting job and all, but it is in your job description so stop with your b*tching and take the nfreaking otes. And then just generally work hard, take pride in your work and you will move on to a better job and someone ELSE will have to take the meeting notes. That’s how it works, it’s not complicated.

At one of my first jobs after graduate school I would spend DAYS in a conference room stuffing folders to be used at conferences and workshops. I used to set little goals for myself, like if I could make it until 2pm I would treat myself to something from Starbucks -- anything to keep me from going bonkers (and this was before the ipod came to be, so I did this all in dead silence.) Hell, even DURING graduate school I worked two different waitressing jobs to pay for my rent and bills. CTA lives at home in Bethesda with her parents and I am pretty sure she only uses her paychecks for cute shoes and bar tabs.

It’s going to be a LONG couple months with CTA. I guess I should count my blessings that she doesn't call me ma'am. But I am positive I have more gray hair now than when she started.

Gone in the blink of an eye

Back to the grind tomorrow; this weekend felt as if it went far too quickly. I hate these Sunday nights where I feel like I will probably up till far too late, unable to get myself to sleep and ready for the week ahead. Lots of thoughts running around in my head probably won't help the situation much either. This will be the first work week of five full days in a row in a month -- just the thought makes me feel queasy. How do you do it -- how do you psyche yourself up for a week at a job you aren't loving when you are in a total and complete funk in all facets of life?

Looking for signs

I have been having a lot of mixed feelings about work lately. Towards the end of 2009, I left my old firm for a new one -- still keeping the same type of job and responsibilities and switching to a slightly different title. It wasn't going to be same old same old; I was going to be working in new subject areas and supporting different practice groups and branching out into more PR and branding responsibilities. I also was primarily leaving my old firm because it was just an unbearable place to be....lack of support from my boss, unrealistic expectations of our department, always working late into the evening and usually coming in on the weekend, in short it just felt miserable. It wasn't just me; there was no joy in the workplace. Very little lighthearted banter, lack of support for one another or willingness to help each other, and a general sour attitude that felt like it just permeated the majority of the department. I knew I was good at what I did...I just couldn't be my best professional self under those conditions.

So I made the move to a firm where I would have a better work/life balance, more support from my bosses, and an assistant to help me properly manage the workload. And I am still good at what I do, and as a bonus usually get to work a 7 hour day (yup, 7). I have been getting great feedback from my bosses. I have been impressing the attorneys and other staff I work with and as a result getting involved in higher level projects and asked more for my professional opinion and suggestions.

Even with those really positive things going on in the workplace, I have been realizing recently that those nagging, lingering feelings are still there. The ones that keep ringing in my ear "This isn't what you always wanted to do." "This isn't making you happy." "This isn't the best use of your skills and abilities." I think my judgement was too clouded at my last firm to be able to see the forest for the trees. I just thought all of the unhappiness was a result of the horrible, miserable working conditions. And yeah, a lot of it was a result of that. I know I am happier and better adjusted now that I am not spending most of my waking hours, seven days a week in a windowless office.

Now that those gray clouds have cleared and I can see things better...well, I am worried. Worried that I shouldn't be doing this and I made a wrong turn somewhere. Even more worried that I can't undo that turn. I don't really know if it's "normal" to feel this way. Maybe I have put too much thought into it or maybe I have set the bar too high for what I hoped to do with my life or get out of (or put into) my work.

An organization that I am a member of for work will soon be holding their annual conference. I had the opportunity to go two years ago and found it incredibly helpful. While my firm is on a tight budget leash these days (really, who isn't?) I found that the local chapter of the organization was offering a scholarship essentially -- you wrote a super short essay and the judges would award two "winners" all the expenses for the conference - hotel, airfare, and registration. I thought it must be a sign. I could get myself there and maybe get the career kickstart I needed. So I sent off my little essay and could already picture myself there, drinking the KoolAid and getting my batteries recharged. But the winners should have been notified by today....and I didn't receive any notification. And I find myself a lot more upset and disappointed than I thought I would be. The slightly irrational part of me thinks this is some sort of sign, of what I am not sure.

So I came home today, a little upset and a little defeated. Not sure of what to do about it or really if there is anything to do about it. I try to tell myself all the time that lots of people doubt their jobs and if they are doing something that they should be doing. Right now that affirmation is not doing diddly squat for me.

Then I flip through the TV and "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is on. That should be a sign. Of what, I'm not sure. But I like this sign much better than the other one.

I have hit a new mark of growing up. I now have an assistant. This is beyond words weird -- I am sure a lot of that has to do with the "do it all yourself and never ask for help" mentality of my last job. But there is another layer to it that I didn't fully realize until the other night. I was at the holiday party of my new firm. The veritable all star game for boozing and schoomzing -- and I didn't feel like doing either. I had more in common and more to talk about with the assistants and the secretaries. Probably because I pay more attention to reality tv than I do the stock market. Oopsies. But I was expected to be out having chit chat with the partners. One guy in particular had a little too much to drink and basically verbalized everything I fear in my job "Megan, I am supposed to take your business advice seriously but you look 25 years old." Well, first off you are my new favorite because you think I am 25. Secondly, yeah I pretty much get that you would be wary of taking my business advice. I have no idea how I have ended up where I am. Don't get me wrong -- I am good at what I do -- but I didn't take some linear path to get here. I pretty much fell into my current line of work and I don't have ivy league degrees or a shiny MBA to stand on (but mad props to my Masters degree haha)

I had lunch with some college friends recently where we ended up discussing how old we feel, more or less. And while those gathered around that lunch table varied in life stages from new mother to pregnant to single and were on various accomplished career paths....we all still thought of ourselves mentally as about 25 years old. I agreed. I don't often feel older -- but I know that I am. I don't want to have to worry about cholesterol or getting enough calcium. I'd still rather get my news from the E! Channel and not CNN. Maybe I haven't had some of those life markers that might automatically make one "act older"....but I guess I need to catch up soon. Or at least pretend to act older. Sadly I have to go talk about billable hours and not Snookie getting punched on "Jersey Shore"

I'd prefer not to graduate to the big kids table just yet....but I think I don't have a choice.

It's not me, it's you

All of the relationship catchphrases that get thrown around had me thinking a while back about how they fit into my own life. Yes, I have read “He’s Just Not That Into You” (most times I wasn’t that into him either — just bored and enjoyed the distraction for awhile) and even once ended things with someone because “They deserved better” (and so did I, as in better than him.) But I keep coming back to that classic “It’s not you, it’s me.” The grandaddy of them all.

Honestly, lately I view things the other way around. As in, it’s not me….it’s you. It has taken me a LONG time to get to this place, but I don’t think I totally suck. I will admit, it was a little hard just typing that…but I did it! People (esp women) can be conditioned to automatically think that a situation being hard or something going wrong has something to do with them and everything is just their fault somehow. And a feeling of never being ENOUGH.

I am trying to be less harsh on myself and cut me some slack — clearly no one else in my life is going to. So I am officially stating for the record, it is not me….so most likely the problem is you.

Like the coworker who yelled at me. Honesty, she got so angry about everything it was almost a growl. How horribly unprofessional. I know you may think it was okay because your boss just stood there and watched and did NOTHING. Maybe she was as shocked as I was that you were having a total meltdown. I am sure you have a hard life outside the office full of bitterness and angst..but get over it. Please be mature enough to not lash out at me because YOU don’t like your crappy life.

When you try hard to be pleasing and make sure others are happy and cared for you can totally lose track of yourself. I actually think I picked this habit up from my sorority stint. You learned the power of group think and putting others thoughts/wants/needs/feelings before your own…and it is so freaking easy to get sucked into it. So while it may have taken me awhile, I am finally dissenting. So with all due respect, chances are it’s not me, it’s you.