Hey y'all (that's my 1/4 Southern talking, isn't it adorable?)
So I need to ask for a favor. I need to take a bit of a break from Tales from the Trenches. I KNOW! I am such a b*tch! Let me explain...in a probably overly lengthy fashion (naturally) so please bear with me.
Things with me and Mr. Toothbrush are not going very well at the moment. There are some things going on on his end, and it has made things kind of do a 180 over the past week. We are going to get together later tonight to talk. I wish I could say I am one of those people who is brimming with hope and optimism right now. But I just have a huge knot in my stomach over the whole thing. Like I want to throw up. I wish I could explain it all in more detail...but that would require me actually understanding what the f*ck is going on right now. And sadly, I don't. So you are all going to have to join me over here in the dark on this one for the time being.
OK...so Tales from the Trenches. I started it because I had a bunch of random "Did that really just happen?" dating stories. In trying to get a bit better about posting things on here, I wanted to create something to write more regularly. Win-win! But I think I may have painted myself into a little corner.
I am concerned that people think I am just sitting over here laughing my ass off as each guy passes through. And for the most part, yes I often am. Because I seem to find some of the most ridiculous people out there. But I think I need to take a moment and remind everyone that I am a person. And I have feelings. Lots of 'em.
It is often very hard to keep picking myself back up after each bad date and try again. And unlike Sex and the City, I don't have some great core group of girls to have brunch with on Sunday and tell me it's all going to be okay. Most times I haven't had more than my sense of humor and this little space on the Internet to turn unpleasant events into funny stories. And right now, that doesn't feel like it's enough for me.
You see, I went outside of my comfort zone or my "usual self" by even mentioning Mr. Toothbrush here. I never talk about that sort of thing because I always felt like it might jinx things for me. But what I am realizing only now, is that I think there was a bigger part of me that didn't talk about these things because then I wouldn't have to announce or explain when things didn't work out. Bearing that sadness and heartbreak alone usually seems preferable to me than having to suffer through people knowing about it.
I have always been the "funny friend" in my groups. No matter what the group of friends has been over the years, that's always the role I sort of fell into. And not that I mind it or am saying that it is a bad thing. It's just...well, I am beginning to think I have become some sort of a character to the people I know. Full of funny stories about bad dates. And still seen as someone who is just meant to be alone.
I need to hit some sort of reset button, or get some kind of a readjustment. Because I don't feel very much like I am sharing in the laughs anymore. Lately, I feel like I am playing the role that people expect me to play and fitting into the character profile that's been created.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not saying I am going away for good. Writing here is something I enjoy a great deal and I have started lots of half baked posts over the past few weeks that I'd like to finish cooking (and am hoping some slower time at the office will afford me the chance to do that!) But I do need to take a break from Tales From the Trenches. Because right now, well...right now I don't feel like making a joke about it all.