Wednesday, May 30, 2012

What I'm Loving Wednesday

This is a week overdue, but shouldn't go by without posting.

Last Wednesday was my Gram's birthday. She passed away from Alzheimer's almost 4 years ago now. It feels more time has passed and less time has passed and exactly that much time has passed all at the same time. Some of you may understand exactly what that means.

But I do miss her every single day. Every. Single. Day.

I was extremely close with my Gram. My mom was an only child, and my brother and I had the rapt attention of her parents. It was awesome. I wish I knew then how lucky I was. To get so much love from two people who were such a huge part of my childhood. Blessed. That's what I was. That's what I am.

But specifically, getting to have her for my Grandmother. I actually hit the grandmother lottery. Sorry to break it to y'all -- but I won. I got the one that I'm about to tell you about AND I got my Dad's mom who is amazing, feisty and about to turn 100 this summer (and will do my due diligence and work up a whole other posting fit for her.) I'm the Grandma jackpot winner. Commence being jealous.

Gram's birthday hit me hard, as it has every year since she has left us. But I've found some comfort in something. In the years since she's been gone, I've started to realize more and more, the things I do and the ways that I act that might as well be mirror images of her.

And I'm so thankful for them. If I could be just one little bit as amazing as my Gram was, I will have turned out better than good.

So for this WILW (linking up with This Kind of Love), I'm gonna take a moment to take stock of those things I know I got from my Gram that I love and am so grateful for.

In honor of my Grandmother's Birthday, I love...

I much she loved people getting together and enjoying each other's company. She was the one putting together family get-togethers, family cookbooks, family tree charts - she really was the person who wanted to help keep the family connected. I have that same spirit of wanting everyone to get together or at least keep in touch, trying to plan get-togethers, or making groups on Facebook to keep people connected.

I love...that she made me make my bed every day. I lived with her down the shore in the summers and oh-good-GOSH if you didn't make your bed! I make my bed EVERY morning come hell or high water and I think I may have unfortunately influenced others to do the same as I got older. I may be late for work, but my bed will be made. The cab may be honking outside to take me to the airport and I am in danger of missing my flight, BUT my bed will be made before I leave.

I love...that my Gram knew that looking good meant feeling good. She was NOT vain. But she knew it made you feel good if you looked good. And you were probably at your best when you were feeling your best. Into her latest years, my Gram still had her hair done every week. And I always remember having painted nails. Sometimes I think that's why I like doing my nails so much. Just makes me think of her.

I memories of my Gram cooking. Bazed ziti, meatballs, chicken parm, eggplant parm...SO much GOOD food. I like spending lots of time in the kitchen because it truly reminds me of her. MVP asked me once why I keep a kitchen towel over my shoulder as I cook. I just shrugged, "That's what my Gram did."

I love...that my Gram was a cleaning and organization nut. She had everything down to a science. We were not allowed to have anything but a glass of water on the carpeted parts of the shore house. And we were jerks that would threaten to take the Coke can onto the carpeted living room. The inside doors of cabinets had laminated sheets taped inside listing the cabinet's contents...and on what shelf each thing was located. And how many were on hand. Little note cards were often posted next to doors asking/reminding you to pull them ALL the way shut, and to please turn the light out when you were done. I haven't done anything quite like that...yet. But I can't say MVP hasn't made me think about it a time or two since he moved in. But I often think it was all the time spent with my Gram that makes me cringe when I see a dish left in the sink or feel like I am about to break out in hives if the trash doesn't get taken out. Or why an organized closet is simply one of the most gorgeous sights I could possibly think of.

I love...that she wanted things to be beautiful. She liked picking out a nice outfit for church and laying it out on the bed to make sure it all coordinated. She liked having some roses from her rosebushes snipped and out in a vase in the house. She liked pink lipstick. I have that same urge to try and make things as beautiful as they can possibly be. I mean, who doesn't like looking at pretty things?

I love... that Gram was tough on you. She did not put up with BS or excuses. She believed in you and knew you could do it....but she was also going to hold you to it. Sometimes I think that may be why I get so critical of my work or hard on myself about things. I just know I can do it better and know that Gram would not accept me not trying harder.

I love...that my Gram and my Pop Pop were truly best friends. I love that I got to spend so much time with them as I grew up and saw the genuine love and affection they had for one another. I always hoped that one day I would have something like that -- someone who was my best friend that I wanted to just be around all the time. Sometimes I think she must have gotten to work on that once she got up to Heaven. I feel like she must have had a hand in finding MVP for me and making sure our paths eventually crossed. Because I could not pick a better person if I tried. He truly is my partner and best friend. And I just know in my heart she had something to do with that.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I'm alive and kicking...barely, but I'm here!

I realize it has been forever and a day since I posted. That in and of itself makes me so sad -- and really disappointed in myself. It makes me even sadder that my absence here has been the result of crappy things. Mainly an incredibly difficult/frustrating/crushing time at work, that has then just sort of bled out into other facets of my life. Oh, and another trip to the ER added in for good measure! I think one more visit, and I get my own parking spot there :)

I do have perspective. I have a paying job. I have my health. I have a roof over my head. I have a wonderful guy who loves and supports me and is my best friend. I have so much to be grateful for. And I am. Every day.

I'm just in a bit of a rough patch now. Under a dark cloud. Whatever you want to call it.

And I am hoping like heck that I work my way out of it soon. Because it has been knocking me left and right and kicking me in the teeth for the better part of almost a month now. And really taken its toll.

I do think neglecting this little ol' blog didn't help matters. So I need to make it part of my routine again. Find those moments in the midst of the craziness of the day to just focus on myself. On this blank white screen and filling it with letters and words and thoughts that are all my own. I need it. I've missed it.

And I think I have especially missed the interaction with folks like you. I've still been lurking around, trying to read an keep up with other blogs. But have been on the sidelines. And really need to get back in the game.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Another reason why I know God has a sense of humor

I have one of the yuckiest weeks on record, capped off with fraudulent activity on my debit card, resulting in it being shut down. At 6pm on a Friday after the banks were closed. Have gotten my butt kicked 7 ways to Sunday at work. Dealing with serious pain in my teeth jaw.

During all of this -- MVP is on a golf vacation.

Life is just so not fair sometimes.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Just in need of some dumping

Have had too much running around in my mind lately. Sometimes I think I feel so tired not from a lack of sleep, but from how much overtime my brain clocks, worrying and thinking and running non stop. So I am just coming here to my own little corner of the interwebs to do a little mental dumping. In no particular order and not necessarily for anyone to read or comment on. Just to try and release some of it so it doesn't keep me up so much at night.

• While I have been super stressed at work lately, I am getting to work on a project that I really enjoy. Well, I enjoy the subject matter at least. And I think that is what is keeping me from tearing my hair out some days.
• When I am working on a new project, I have to preside over weekly meetings where I get folks to update the status of action items. I was so nervous when I had to do this when I first started, that I brought treats to the meeting -- I figured no one could get that ticked off at me if I had treats. Now people expect there to be cookies or cupcakes or something every time I call a meeting.
• I kind of don't mind baking something to bring to the meeting because it makes the whole thing a bit more pleasant for everyone.
• MVP is away on a golf trip until Sunday and I miss him.
• BUT...sometimes it is nice to have the apartment to myself and get to watch whatever I want on the TV or make whatever I want for dinner, or just hog all the covers at night without feeling bad about it.
• I am hoping like heck some minor oral surgery scheduled for May 14th fixes my teeth/jaw pain for good. Otherwise, it is going to be a long road of pain ahead of me.
• I have been thinking about babies a lot lately -- and I don't know why. Wondering if I'm meant to have my own, or adopt, or not be a mom at all.
• I've also been worrying a lot about getting married. Not the when or why...but just that if you are older like me, is it totally tacky to even bother with having a traditional wedding? And now that my parents are officially retired, it would be pretty insensitive for me to ask for them to pay for any of it. And could I really rationalize spending that much money on something that could be put towards a house down payment or something else like that?
• Part of me wishes I had met MVP earlier in my life and then we would be farther along in our life together at this point (even though I know that is impossible and crazy...and the me of earlier age might not have been compatible with MVP)
• I've been thinking a bunch about how friendships change and evolve over the years. That some people who I have been friends with for 15+ years are not necessarily people that, if I met today, I would choose to be friends with. Can you love someone and the friendship you have had through the years but realize that dynamics have changed and you just aren't as close anymore?
• I have gained a couple pounds recently and it has wreaked total havoc on my psyche and self esteem. I cringe thinking about getting dressed in the morning or even going out in public because I just feel so unhappy/uncomfortable with the way I look.
• I feel like our apartment is never going to get settled. I'm impatient that not everything has been put away yet and it is a near-constant source of anxiety for me.

Not that anyone can help me with all that stuff, but at least it's good to release some of it and not have it weigh on my head/heart as much as it has been. it Friday yet?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Only Tuesday??

That's how I feel today -- how in the WORLD is it only Tuesday??

Still a mountain of things to get done today. Thinking about just taking them home with me to work on tonight. You know, since I have to dial in to a 7pm conference call anyway -- might as well be doing all that from the comfort of my own home!