What day is today? Where am I going? What do I need to do?
Lately I feel like my life is just trying to follow a string of questions. I feel like I have been running all around and cannot get to feeling settled. I haven't been able to get a workable plan in place and it is frustrating the hell out of me.
So, in an effort to just try and alleviate some of this, I think I just need to dump it all here. Can't say this may be a post all that exciting or entertaining. But I do think, for my own health and sanity, that it is entirely necessary.
• Shuttling back and forth between mine and MVP's apartments has been getting the better of me. I know I only have one more week until we officially have the same address, but it has not helped alleviate the stress I have had doing this back-and-forth recently. I am constantly having to think what I have where and it is getting to just suck up too much energy. I also left my work badge back at my apartment earlier this week and haven't been back since. Getting a temporary badge every morning is getting old. I may need to simply tell him, you can stay wherever you like, but I just need to be in the same spot. And if we spend nights apart, I'm ok with that.
• Figuring out all the logistics and "to-do's" associated with the move is causing me some stress and anxiety. And I am not even the one moving! But just figuring out how to accommodate two bedrooms worth of furniture, pieces of furniture that we need to buy, old furniture and things that I need to get rid of, space that needs to be made down in storage....there is just a LOT. I wish I could take even one personal day off to tackle some of it but....
• Work is bananas. And it is not just the volume and crazy deadlines that cause stress. It's the constant undercurrent that you feel like any day you could walk in and find out that your job has been cut. So you run around even more trying to please MORE people and get MORE done, and just end up feeling overly frazzled. I mean, I'm taking a big risk just by leaving early tomorrow to go to a doctor's appointment.
• That dang doctor's appointment. Not really wanting to go through that tomorrow. Just have some recent health issues and feeling really anxious about what the doctor is going to say. I think I would actually rather be at work tomorrow afternoon than at the doctor's.
• Too much on my plate at the moment. I just have a lot that is taking up my outside-the-office time and the weight of it has been affecting me a lot more recently. One is an obligation that I truly enjoy and love doing very much, it has just caused me some frustration and stress as of late. And a lot of hours. Like A LOT of my time spent on that activity. The other is something that I am just trying to find time for amongst the 16 other things competing for my time and attention lately. Unfortunately it has strict deadlines and requirements and...blech. that's how I feel about it right now, just BLECH.
• Navigating my relationship with MVP. I am very excited to take this next step and know without any doubt it is what I want to do. But I also know it is not easy, and I need to understand the change that is about to happen and how it will impact my life and our relationship. I am really used to spending considerable time alone. By myself, doing my own thing. That isn't as easy to do when there is someone else there all the time. And this alone time is just for my own personal sanity. That's not even including the times where we might be annoyed or bothered by one another and need not just ALONE time but TIME AWAY FROM YOU SPECIFICALLY time. I don't know how all that works.
• I'm just feeling generally crappy lately. Not sleeping well or enough. Not eating well or eating weird things at odd times. The combination of the two just has me generally feeling lousy physically. And I also think it makes me LOOK lousy, which then leaves me feeling psychologically lousy if that makes any sense.
I'm just going through a bit of a time where I feel like a tapestry -- even if the front looks nice and pulled together if you look underneath it's all knots and frayed edges and loose threads.
Yeah...so far February has been all about knots and frayed edges and loose threads. Too many.