Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Just in need of some dumping

Have had too much running around in my mind lately. Sometimes I think I feel so tired not from a lack of sleep, but from how much overtime my brain clocks, worrying and thinking and running non stop. So I am just coming here to my own little corner of the interwebs to do a little mental dumping. In no particular order and not necessarily for anyone to read or comment on. Just to try and release some of it so it doesn't keep me up so much at night.

• While I have been super stressed at work lately, I am getting to work on a project that I really enjoy. Well, I enjoy the subject matter at least. And I think that is what is keeping me from tearing my hair out some days.
• When I am working on a new project, I have to preside over weekly meetings where I get folks to update the status of action items. I was so nervous when I had to do this when I first started, that I brought treats to the meeting -- I figured no one could get that ticked off at me if I had treats. Now people expect there to be cookies or cupcakes or something every time I call a meeting.
• I kind of don't mind baking something to bring to the meeting because it makes the whole thing a bit more pleasant for everyone.
• MVP is away on a golf trip until Sunday and I miss him.
• BUT...sometimes it is nice to have the apartment to myself and get to watch whatever I want on the TV or make whatever I want for dinner, or just hog all the covers at night without feeling bad about it.
• I am hoping like heck some minor oral surgery scheduled for May 14th fixes my teeth/jaw pain for good. Otherwise, it is going to be a long road of pain ahead of me.
• I have been thinking about babies a lot lately -- and I don't know why. Wondering if I'm meant to have my own, or adopt, or not be a mom at all.
• I've also been worrying a lot about getting married. Not the when or why...but just that if you are older like me, is it totally tacky to even bother with having a traditional wedding? And now that my parents are officially retired, it would be pretty insensitive for me to ask for them to pay for any of it. And could I really rationalize spending that much money on something that could be put towards a house down payment or something else like that?
• Part of me wishes I had met MVP earlier in my life and then we would be farther along in our life together at this point (even though I know that is impossible and crazy...and the me of earlier age might not have been compatible with MVP)
• I've been thinking a bunch about how friendships change and evolve over the years. That some people who I have been friends with for 15+ years are not necessarily people that, if I met today, I would choose to be friends with. Can you love someone and the friendship you have had through the years but realize that dynamics have changed and you just aren't as close anymore?
• I have gained a couple pounds recently and it has wreaked total havoc on my psyche and self esteem. I cringe thinking about getting dressed in the morning or even going out in public because I just feel so unhappy/uncomfortable with the way I look.
• I feel like our apartment is never going to get settled. I'm impatient that not everything has been put away yet and it is a near-constant source of anxiety for me.

Not that anyone can help me with all that stuff, but at least it's good to release some of it and not have it weigh on my head/heart as much as it has been. it Friday yet?


  1. Doesn't everyone gain a few lbs when they first cohabitant of get married? it happy lbs. And I am sure you look beautiful still!

    And I don't think it's tacky to have a big wedding. You do what you want! You won't get another shot to have wedding...

  2. * The wedding thing. I think if you waited this long go for it! Seriously..! I scaled mine back but that's b/c I didn't care that much about it vs. when I was about 10-years younger.
    Do what YOU want to do.
    * I like having the house to myself every so often too. Alone time.
    * Friends.. wow.. this is a big one for me recently too. I'm right there with you. I've actually purged myself of some old friends and my therapist has told me it's totally natural. I just decided that they are't positive influences in my life and even though we've been friends for a long time it hasn't been working for years.
    Get it?
    Totally normal.

    1. I can't figure out how to comment outright so I'm responding to this comment.... :)

      I agree with Dee re: friends. You've heard how this happened to me with someone you use to know.... It's sad and sometimes hard to let go, but like Dee said - if the person/people aren't positive influences in your life, or don't care to make an effort to be in your life and connect with you, there's no reason to try to force a continued connection.

      I am so sorry to hear about all of this.... Call me if you need/want to talk.

      Much love, EC

  3. Perusing thro my reader and blog posts and then I read this one ...
    ... and you should have a wedding.
    It can be small and sweet and simple and all yours.
    Why not?