Listen, I know we don't talk as often as we should...and I know that's mostly on me. But I'm talking now. And I hope like heck that you are listening.
I appreciate that you will never give me anything that I can't handle. I know that what does not kill me will only make me stronger. And after many years of ups and (way too many) downs, I consider myself one strong chickadee. I often take so much on and keep so much to myself, just because I know that I can and I feel some sort of guilt burdening others with my problems.
But I think I am finally at a point where I need to waive the white flag. I am just about at my breaking point. I know that you, in your infinite wisdom, have a better idea of how much I can withstand and where my breaking point is. But c'mon...just because you know exactly where that point is, does that mean we have to push me right up to it?
Can I get a break for just a little bit? Look, I am not asking for you to ease up on me FOREVER...just a little rest from these recent storms. Because I am gonna be honest with you big guy. I know that right now, I am so much worse for the wear. I have not felt like myself in weeks. I have been plastering a smile on my face and faking my way through the day-to-day for well over a month now. And I know you are already well aware, but that is exhausting.
I've tried very hard to be a good person. To treat others well. To help where and when I could. I have cared about others more than myself. And while I have never done that with the a thought of what it was going to do for me....well, then I am asking now, what does any of that do for me? Being a good person and treating others well has gotten me nowhere. It's gotten me lots of broken hearts - from both friendships and romantic relationships. It's made me feel alone. It's made me feel incredibly isolated. It's made me feel less than.
I have spent so long operating under the same belief I know many of my "friends" have -- we always need people to have it not so great, so that others can know what they have it better than that. God, I am so tired of feeling like I may be that benchmark that all of my friends can pat themselves on the back in relief knowing that they are better off by not being me.
Please understand, I know that I still have things to be thankful for. I don't want to give anyone the false assumption that I am revelling in some huge, unwarranted pity party and can't see the things I have in my life that are good or keep me sustained.
So that is where I am at right now. Asking God to please pump the brakes a bit on my life. Because I am shaken, I am rattled, and I am not liking how all of that feels at the moment.