Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Are you there God? It's me, Deviled Megs.

Listen, I know we don't talk as often as we should...and I know that's mostly on me. But I'm talking now. And I hope like heck that you are listening.

I appreciate that you will never give me anything that I can't handle. I know that what does not kill me will only make me stronger. And after many years of ups and (way too many) downs, I consider myself one strong chickadee. I often take so much on and keep so much to myself, just because I know that I can and I feel some sort of guilt burdening others with my problems.

But I think I am finally at a point where I need to waive the white flag. I am just about at my breaking point. I know that you, in your infinite wisdom, have a better idea of how much I can withstand and where my breaking point is. But c'mon...just because you know exactly where that point is, does that mean we have to push me right up to it?

Can I get a break for just a little bit? Look, I am not asking for you to ease up on me FOREVER...just a little rest from these recent storms. Because I am gonna be honest with you big guy. I know that right now, I am so much worse for the wear. I have not felt like myself in weeks. I have been plastering a smile on my face and faking my way through the day-to-day for well over a month now. And I know you are already well aware, but that is exhausting.

I've tried very hard to be a good person. To treat others well. To help where and when I could. I have cared about others more than myself. And while I have never done that with the a thought of what it was going to do for me....well, then I am asking now, what does any of that do for me? Being a good person and treating others well has gotten me nowhere. It's gotten me lots of broken hearts - from both friendships and romantic relationships. It's made me feel alone. It's made me feel incredibly isolated. It's made me feel less than.

I have spent so long operating under the same belief I know many of my "friends" have -- we always need people to have it not so great, so that others can know what they have it better than that. God, I am so tired of feeling like I may be that benchmark that all of my friends can pat themselves on the back in relief knowing that they are better off by not being me.

Please understand, I know that I still have things to be thankful for. I don't want to give anyone the false assumption that I am revelling in some huge, unwarranted pity party and can't see the things I have in my life that are good or keep me sustained.

So that is where I am at right now. Asking God to please pump the brakes a bit on my life. Because I am shaken, I am rattled, and I am not liking how all of that feels at the moment.


  1. I am sorry. I have had weeks and months feeling that way (and truthfully a bit of that feeling is always in the back of my head.) It'ss a horrible. All I know is God does/will let up...eventually.

  2. I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. Can you get away for a little bit, for some Megs time? It might help. A change of scenery a different bed, get out of your house etc?

  3. I did not like reading this, not at all!! I'm sorry you're going through rough times. I second Deepali's comment - is there any way you can get away for a while and enjoy some down time??

  4. Yes, get away for sure. Sorry you're going through a rough patch :(

  5. Praying for you....I've been there and am thankfully past it, but I can understand your ENTIRE post...I hope things change quickly for you!


  6. Girl, I hear ya!! Sometimes life can be tough!! Like REALLY tough. But hang in there. Things will (EVENTUALLY) be ok :-)

    Happy Friday Dear! xo

    Oh, and pop on over for my GIVEAWAY!

  7. Oh, and if you're interested, I have a QUOTE blog that kinda helps with this kind of stuff... or at least the quotes help me :-) Check it out if you'd like:

  8. Oh Jen, you have no idea how much I ADORE Bits of Truth -- it's a must read for me!

  9. So sorry :( I can many can. I think maybe sometimes there are the patches that bring us closer to God, or maybe help us to realize that we need him. Truthfully, God changed my life when I was at the end of myself (uh I sound like one of those crazy Christians!) Praying it all gets better soon and that maybe you'll get a delivery of chocolate or Ben & Jerry's or something to your door!

  10. oh no. i hope things get better soon (but i already read your ipod post and it doesn't look like it happens anytime soon!