I am not writing this post to garner sympathy or pity. I am not fishing for comments or kind words. I promise you. It's just what I want to do to end this Valentine's Day. And it's my blog...so I can do what I want, right?
This has officially been my worst Valentine's Day. Ever. I wish I could tell you all exactly why...but it's just not something I want to get into right now. Or on this blog. Maybe another time, maybe not. If this wasn't happening to me, if I was watching this all in a movie or on a sitcom, I'd probably be laughing. Unfortunately, it's all really happened and I can't laugh at it just yet. I don't know that I will get to a place where I can laugh at it. And if I do, it's likely I am just laughing to that people don't know how hurt I am underneath it all.
One of the only things that has sort of helped me to face forward, fake smile plastered on my face, and keep plugging away this past month hasn't just been the ridiculously busy schedule I have been keeping. It's been this stupid secret I have been keeping - I've been playing a bit of a trick on myself. I've been telling myself that Mr. Toothbrush didn't really exist. He was like Snuffleupagus or something, he just wasn't real. And if he wasn't real, then neither were my feelings, and I have nothing to be upset about, right? If he didn't exist, then being upset or feeling hurt isn't even an option.
But he is real...he does exist..and he did call me last week to just make everything worse for me. I know my dumb little mind trick was just that - dumb. But it was helping, as silly as it was. And now I just feel incredibly upset, confused, and hurt all over again.
Something that I said this weekend, something I know I say often (or some iteration of it), was that "at least this all was happening to me and not someone else. Because I know I am strong enough to take it all on on my own." But it wasn't until saying it this weekend that I realized how f*cking ridiculous it sounds. I shouldn't have to do all this and go through some things just because I know I am built to handle it and just because I happen to be strong enough to do it all. It's not okay. It's really, really not okay.
I am hoping this really was the worst Valentine's Day that I will ever have. I really deserve only good ones moving forward.