So I am staying on track for "40 Posts in 40 Days", albeit I may try and sneak these weekend posts in under the radar. Far fewer reading on the weekends, and I doubt peeps are making a point to make sure they catch up on my musings and shenanigans.
Yesterday was a real sh*t day. (And as a side note, please don't think I don't have perspective, I do. My heart breaks for those affected today by natural disasters today.) I have just had one of the worst weeks of my professional career. And if you know how varied and storied that career has been, that statement might actually mean something! But you can read the cherry on my sundae of the week to get a small glimpse.
But what I didn't share, the keys my fingers didn't hit...was that I broke down after that phone call at work yesterday. I hung up the phone and sobbed-my-mascara-off cried. For a solid couple minutes. I reached a real threshold moment. I wasn't "mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore" but I was just broken down, emotionally exhausted, and completely and totally defeated. It was a culmination of so many things happening at work right now, lightly sprinkled with some personal crap. You know, to give if some real flavor.
My only saving grace was that it was FRIDAY after all, so I quickly gchatted a friend to try and make some semblance of a plan to go out later. I just really and truly needed to not be sitting at home for the night -- thinking about how things are at my job right now, how there had been an unfortunate exchange earlier this week with Mr. Toothbrush (that, no, I hadn't talked about and probably won't), thinking about how much I wanted so many things to be better right now. Just needed to be out and about.
So it was so good that this person was on board and had been thinking the same thing. She would be getting home very late from work, but was ready to go straight out! YAY! I felt somehow saved and relieved. I felt normal for once -- I am just one of the other Dilberts who had a rough week at the office and now I was going to go blow off some steam.
When I got home from work, I immediately jumped in the car to run errands. Best to keep my momentum up and keep moving, if I sat down in the apartment long enough I would have just inevitably put on pjs and gone to bed.
Came home from errands at about 9:30 to an email with that dreaded phrase in it:
"Would you hate me if...."
No, honestly I would never set it in my mind to hate someone over something like cancelling plans. I wish I knew if that person actually thinks that of me (I hope not), or just feels some need to soften the inevitable blow of plans being demolished. She went on to recount her bad day at work (maybe it's going around?) and that she would have to be working again on Saturday, and was really just wiped out.
I assured her, "No problem at all! Maybe we can reschedule for Saturday and toast Justin Timberlake's newly single status!"
While I really wanted to be out and about last night, I honestly am comfortable enough with my age and my single status to be at home alone on a friday night, just me and the DVR. What made me feel like a real chump was to then find out she actually would just rather hang out with the guy she is currently seeing after work than me. Actually that's not exactly true. I should clarify that I did not feel like a chump because she preferred his company to mine, I get how intoxicating and fun new relationships are and you want to see that person as much as possible. What honestly made me feel like a real ass, was that she just felt it better/easier to lie to me than tell me the truth. I was more upset over that than I was over anything that happened at work this week. At work I can rationalize things by reminding myself that at least they pay to treat me like I am worthless.