Monday, July 16, 2012

"Meh" Monday -- or something else?

I find myself having a serious "meh" kind of Monday.  Very sluggish, very apathetic, very distracted.  No motivation, no energy, no drive.  I don't know if this is just a more lackluster than normal sort of Monday, or if it is something else altogether.

I have had bouts of anxiety throughout my adult life.  Some for longer periods than others, but never permanent.  I feel like I am in one of those periods of my life again.  Feeling overly anxious too much of the time.  Letting worry -- often worry over minor and unimportant things -- consume much of my days and thoughts.  I can't really pinpoint when it started, and not that I really think that would enlighten me on the topic or solve anything.  It is troubling because it takes away my focus and makes me really unproductive.  I can't seem to focus on work because I am thinking about or worrying about a million other things.  And when I am home later tonight, I am sure my mind will wander off to things work related.  It's like I can't get my body and mind in the same place at the same time. 

When I was working in law firms there were really two modes -- insanely, crazy, working 60-hours a week busy...and totally dead.  It was mostly the former and very rarely the latter and I was always able to get a fire under my butt and get things done.  Now, I have a much more sane pace and a more regular/reliable schedule.  And I feel like I am just drifting around.  Working on projects, responding to requests, addressing issues....but nothing feels like part of a plan.  I don't feel connected to any team -- I am just sort of off on my own, doing my own thing.  It's not a good or bad just isn't ideal for me.  I feel really disconnected and isolated, and I think it makes it harder for me to feel engaged or motivated about my work.

I don't think there was a real beginning-middle-end to this post...or even a point, really.  I just needed to come some place and mentally dump in an effort to get it off my mind and hopefully celar it out of my head.

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