What do you do when it all feels too much? Yes I take advantage of the medical resources available to me to assist with my mental health and well being. Yes I try like crazy to take care of myself. But lately? I am not doing a good enough job. I am failing.
Right now my apartment feels like a complete and utter disaster zone, and I can't find the necessary things to get ready in the morning. Aside from trying to find my shoes, or my work ID badge or anything like that...I only have maybe 2 preferred pairs of work pants right now. It's shameful for me to admit that I feel like I may have gained 20 or 30 pounds in the span of 2 or 3 weeks and I am ashamed and embarrassed that none of my clothes feel like they fit me. While it has been nice to go to weddings recently in the bottom of my soul I wished like hell that I didn't have to go. Really and truly, hoped that something would take place that would prevent me from going. Because there is nothing in my closet that feels like it fits. Nothing that doesn't make me feel embarrassed to be seen in public. Nothing that doesn't make me want to just cry.
Everything feels like it is all too heavy and just too MUCH right now. I know we all lament that there is never enough time but when I just look at the list of things -- no fresh vegetables or groceries in the fridge, laundry piled up, doctor's appointments I keep putting off. To be honest, with how bad things are at work these days, I feel like I have been run over by a truck by the time I get home each night. It isn't just the sheer exhaustion of running around all day...it's the emotional anguish. The sucking it up and dealing with people talking to you like you are crap. Or the pain and toll taken by constantly having to crawl out under the bus that you keep being thrown under. Now, it is also finding out the ugly and unflattering things being said about you...by your boss. After the psychological and emotional olympics I feel like I go through every day, all I want is to go home and be alone. To try and convince myself that hopefully this feeling of worthlessness isn't forever. That maybe it all won't continue to feel so much worse before it starts to feel better.