Friday, April 16, 2010

Is it crowded in here or is it just me?

I am getting into a place I don't think I have been in for awhile and it's becoming increasingly clear to me, I wasn't remotely prepared to be here. Guys and dating and all of that....well, personally I haven't ever taken a shine to it. For the most part I have always felt I was better on my own and often feel more comfortable alone than I do with another person. It's a bit weird and the total opposite of lots of people that I know. Yet another thing that makes me different...shocking. But after I switched jobs, I had more free time. I wasn't living in my office or consumed by work anymore. I had time in my life for this. Truthfully, I think if our apartment complex allowed us to have pets, I would have gotten a puppy to fill my free time and that would have been the end of it. Sadly, we can't have any "walking pets" and I think if I spent all my free time talking to a goldfish it would be a cause for concern.

But no puppies, and no goldfish. And I did meet someone that I actually got excited about -- wanted to get to know better and spend some time with. And that's when everything started to get a little screwy for me. I haven't cared much for the people I have dated the past couple years. That's sounds horrible, I know, I sort of cringed a bit as I typed that. I guess to clarify it a little bit and not make me sound totally horrible, I dated people who were fun/convenient at the time but were pretty much throwaways that I didn't care if they stuck around. Sometimes we are all just out to have a bit of fun and have someone to go to dinner with and have a laugh. But we wouldn't be asking them to go to a concert the following month cause we don't really think they'll still be around then, if you know what I mean.

So here I am, allowing myself to pursue things with this person when everything in my better judgement says no. The rational and practical part of me is really holding back and digging my heels in. I was trying to ignore it for a bit...allowing myself to think I was just being overly sensitive or analytical or something like that. But it really felt like some spaces started filling up. There were numerous off-handed references to previous girlfriends and relationships that I thought should be saved for a leter conversation. I brushed that off -- I didn't want to, but I am trying here. But then memories of some of my exes that I had really shoved to the back of the closet came tumbling out and many of them were not good. I will (try to) keep this all on the up and up because that's the classy thing to do, but I don't honestly think any of them know this little blog exists let alone would read it, so I think I am pretty safe. By and large, I have been pretty fortunate when it comes to exes. Some are still my friends. Most I know (god bless hindsight!) that it was for the best. But there are a bunch of them. And some mean more than others. One I cared about more than anything and I didn't treat him as well as I should have. One I think I made a mistake. One I will always wonder about. And one will always make me feel horrible - about him and about myself for being with him. That's the mixed bag I am walking around with. But there they were showing up, and it felt like they were there in the room and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. And I honestly don't know how to handle it. I think I am having a lot more trouble dealing with things from my past because I never took the time to deal with it when it was happening. And now that is coming back to bite me in the ass. The larger part of it is that the last person, the last one that I was actually serious about, was just horrible. The time between then and now has allowed me to see even more clearly what a total idiot I was for not just allowing someone to treat me like an afterthought, but not realizing it was happening and walking away. Even when friends in my life at the time pointed it out to me, I guess I just didn't want to see it for myself or admit it. Lesson learned that you can't ever have someone be your priority who only sees you as their option.

Now I just don't know -- don't know where I am, where my head is at, what I want to do. Don't know how to kick out all my unwelcome guests. Don't know how not to let my unfortunate previous experiences cloud not only my view of this guy now but how to not let it affect how I act towards him.

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