Tales from the Trenches Tuesday

I was trying all this morning to think of which funny tale I could share with you all today. Sadly, I wasn’t able to come up with much because my mind has not really been on the losers, creeps and weirdos that I have dated. It’s been occupied with so many other things lately…things so unfun they make me LONG for occupying my mind with thinking of loser, creep and weirdo stories. Which is why I knew it was still important for me to take a break from my unfun thoughts and come here to at least post something today. I’m just sayin’…the bar is set a little low today, my apologies folks.

R and I had been dating for a few weeks and I think we were at the point that it was becoming clear to both of us that we were heading towards being exclusive. I honestly remember that time really fondly because we really were “dating” – we both put efforts into planning fun things to do, made plans with each other in advance, emailed each other articles or other funny things that made us think of the other, called one another on the phone, etc. We didn't play games or act too casual or aloof. There were no 10pm texts on a Friday night asking what each other were up to. No late night plans to meet up at someone's house afterhours. Sigh…the good old days of dating and people actually courting one another.

So this particular night, R had made plans for us to see a comedian we both liked at the Improv. I met him at his apartment first and we had a cozy dinner before heading over to the show. I can’t remember now if we went out for drinks after the show or not, but I do remember that we had wine with dinner, and then drinks at the show and then got back to his apt pretty late.

For the ladies reading this, some of you may be of the camp that pre-determines which night will be “the night” – and I don’t think I need to spell out for anyone what I mean by “the night.” And while I am generally a planner by nature, that particular decision is sometimes sort of up in the air to me. So I can’t say that I had made a decision one way or the other before the date started, but I had later that evening when we got back to his place.

And as an obligatory side note, isn’t that always a little exciting when you make that decison? Maybe it’s because it is one of the few times you feel kind of in control of a new relationship since 99.99% of the time it is the girl who gets to make thatparticular decision.

Anyway, decision was made. Game on .

But the game was not on…it was delayed at best. Things were clearly not , shall we say working as they should be. I don’t know if R had had one too many drinks, or if that really had “never happened before” but he looked at me and in all seriousness said:

“Sorry about this…can I get a Raincheck?”

A what now? My only rememberance of rainchecks was when I was little and we would go to Kmart and they would be out of some super cheap sale item, and you got a raincheck for when more stock came in. Now I was supposed to be giving out rainchecks for people who were (for whatever reasons) unable to perform when the situation arose?

Ugh, raincheck. To this day, the word still makes me shudder.

Tales from the Trenches Tuesday

Once again, I almost forgot it was Tuesday then thankfully remembered and dropped everything I was doing. Well, not really…I was quite productive this morning so I think a leisurely afternoon has been earned today.

I was honestly thinking about this when I was brushing my teeth this morning, wondering who I should dig up from my files. Then MDIYL started pestering me today by Gchat. And email. AND BY TEXT. Dude is clearly covering all his bases. So I am guessing it’s a sign from God that I should write about MDIYL today. Or that I should simply give up and head straight to a convent. Or maybe both.

I started dating MDIYL at a weird-ish time in my life. I had recently switched jobs and had gotten to a point where I realized I pretty much hated the new job. I also wasn’t crazy about my living situation at the time and had some of those other sorts of stresses going on. So dating MDIYL was a fun distraction. The equivalent of dangling some shiny, jangly keys in front of a crying baby to distract and temporarily soothe them.

We didn’t have a ton in common but I guess since he was just shiny, jangly keys, that didn’t really matter. We talked a lot about baseball (that’s usually on my list of stupid things I always fall for) and had somewhat-similar senses of humor. And we had good chemistry. So that was all well and good enough for a couple months worth of distraction, right?

Well yes….but then the cracks and caveats started to show. First in small ways...he used to use wayyyyyy too many emoticons in emails. For anyone older than 12 anyway. And he used to leave drunk voicemails, sometimes on my work phone so I didn't even get them right away.

Then the cracks and caveats started showing in a major way. Once we made plans to meet up after a baseball game he was going to with one of his friends. He had called to say he was tired and would just stop to pick me up on his way home. After I had gotten in the car and he pulled away from the curb I realized that “tired” was actually “drunk.” We managed to make it to his house before he then hit a car in the parking lot. Not a wreck (thank God!) but enough scratching and denting that I felt he should leave a note.

I was then told that he did not need to leave a note because his car was better than the other car, something about Mercedes vs. BMWs….not a plausible argument to me but what do I know, I was dating someone who left me drunk voicemails at work. This then escalated into a fight where I was told I was being too dramatic (as a side note, if there are any guys reading this never, I repeat NEVER, tell a female they are being too dramatic, even if they are.) Things were somehow resolved and a note was left, although I don’t think I asked to see what was actually scribbled on the note, so who even knows if it was about the car damage. Or if the note was even legible at that point. Perhaps it was just the proper emoticon that conveys the message of "I drunk hit your car and I don't care."

A few weeks later we went to see a comedian at the Improv and afterwards I stayed over at his house. (And as another side note, I had about a 5 year stretch where I lived with guy roommates. So to avoid the fratastic heckling that went along with having a guy sleep over at my house, I rarely let anyone I dated stay over at my place.) The next morning, we decided to go out for breakfast and when the bill came, he made me pay for half because we hadn’t had sex that morning. I guess I hadn’t earned my breakfast? I don’t really know... I wish I was making that up but sadly I am not.

So obviously, I let things start to fade after that. It was one of those situations where I didn’t think there needed to be some formal “We need to talk….” conversation. A gradual fade would do juuuuuuust fine. And it was working. We were spending less time together. Calls and texts got farther apart. The fade out was working just as it should.

Until one night. He texted me and it was a little pushy. I couldn’t tell if he was being mean or joking or really what he was trying to say. I do remember I was bored so I took the bait and texted back. After a few back-and-forths, he sent me a text that made it clear to all concerned that we would not be seeing each other any more. It also made me die laughing (not the effect I think he was going for) and show my phone to anyone and everyone around me.

On the screen of my phone was a simple text – My Dick Is Your Loss. Does it get much classier than that? If someone has something better, trust me I would LOVE to hear it.

Let's just BE old. We don't even have to grow.

For some reason lately, I feel like quite a few people have been having conversations with me, or at me, or just near me about their finding someone to grow old with. People who have found their people, others who think that *maybe* they may have found their people, some others that are still looking for their people, and a few who might be getting a little ticked because they feel like their people are LATE in showing up!

And then there’s me. Someone who more or less has never pictured myself growing old with anybody. I wasn’t a girl who thought incessantly about my wedding one day or obsessed about starting a family. I didn’t even place a high amount of importance on dating and relationships (and I know there are going to be critics of that game plan – hell even I have questioned it myself from time to time.) I have some different thoughts and perspectives from a lot of other girls when it comes to all that stuff and I know not everyone can understand them, but I think I am fortunate enough to have a couple people in my life who “get” that part of me more so than others. You know, so I can rest easy knowing I am not a total weirdo.

I also feel like I have always just been older or more mature. It wasn't some destination to grow towards or get to -- I was already there! And seriously, I don’t mean that in some snotty way or something. For those that know me IRL, now is NOT the time to start posting comments reminding me of all the dumb/stupid/childish shenanigans I may have gotten myself into over the years. Why don’t you go ahead and save them for the next time we all get together, mkay? What I mean is that ever since I was really little, I have always acted older, projected myself to be older, felt a little older. Maybe because I was too much of a thinker and worrier as a child (and to some extent, still am.) And maybe at times I have had to deal with too much on my own at points in my life already. I can’t really say. But to me, truth was spoken when someone said “I never thought I’d feel so tired at 22.” (now who will be the first to ring in with the correct info on that quote?!?)

Maybe I do want someone to grow old with. Or maybe I will eventually. But right now I would really like someone to just BE old with. That’s what I have been thinking about lately. Screw this “growing old together” talk. The future is going to happen and growing old is going to be a part of that, no matter what/who/when. But I can’t get too involved in thinking about the future that I stop being present in my present. Because “Life moves pretty fast, If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” (C’mon folks…that’s an easy one…)

So for right now, I would be super happy and feel very fortunate to find someone to just relax, spend some time together, enjoy each other's company and just be old with right now. What sorts of things does being old entail? Well for me, I have been thinking about:
• Cooking a fantastic meal on some random weekday and maybe opening a really nice bottle of wine.
• Getting excited when you remember you have some DVR shows to catch up on and are stoked to stay in on a Friday night and watch them.
• A drive up to Gettysburg to enjoy a day trip in the car with some fall foliage.
• Swapping funny youtube clips to get through a workday.
• Sleeping in on a Sunday morning in a bed with a great down comforter and high thread count sheets.
• Going to see something at the Kennedy center and maybe getting a little dressed up. Not because you have to but because you want to.
• Going out on a limb and trying an ICED Pumpkin latte at SBux.
• Caring about the food you are going to bring to the tailgate.

What are things that are NOT old? Like things I think I have no interest in doing. Like, ever again.
• Meticulously planning meals or the ability to even talk to someone around a particular team’s schedule (Seriously I am a big fan of a few teams myself, but some people take it to unhealthy extremes. And I have been just so lucky as to date some of those people.)
• Getting excited when you remember you have a co-worker's going away Happy Hour, followed by post HH drinks with the people you *really* like from work, then off to drinks with a different group of friends, then meeting up with other people at some party, then out to try a new bar nearby that just opened up, then to some bar that someone heard is “open really late” followed by a Jumbo Slice for dinner on a Friday night. I think I got tired and queasy just typing that.
• A drive up to anywhere that may involve stopping at a fraternity house.
• Swapping absurd postings from Texts from Last Night because they sound eerily like your own lives.
• Passing out early Sunday morning on a bed with no fitted sheet, a threadbare flat sheet and a comforter that is in desperate need of a wash.
• Just going to see something at the Movies. Not because you want to but because you just don’t have anything to talk about with the other person.
• Going out on a limb and trying a Bear Fight.
• Stressing about running out of liquor and then having to drink beer at the tailgate.

I think it also goes without saying that I feel very much past the point in my life where I am okay with people who get naked and eat hotpockets in my kitchen, need to pass a breathalyzer to start their car, or who are actually married already.

What about you? What's an "old" activity that you enjoy doing with your person or look forward to doing with a potential person?

Tales from the Trenches Tuesday

I have almost always been able to maintain some sort of friendly relationship with guys I have dated after the dating part has ended. Now, how successfully that happens usually depends on the number of dates and/or length and seriousness of the relationship for sure. But on the whole, there is really only 1 (ok maybe 2) that I just really never wanted to speak to again. To be fair, I am not saying that is a good thing or a bad thing. And I sure as heck am not saying it is normal. It is just how things have always worked for me.

But every now and again I have some interesting experience with a guy from my past that makes me rethink my pretty liberal “we can still be friends” policy. IM is just that sort of person and I had just that kind of experience recently.

IM and I dated for a few months. Nothing super serious, but there was a small amount of time and interest invested. Things did not end very well (more on his end than mine) but that was about 2 years ago. Until he randomly got back in touch with me this past February. I received a LinkedIn Request from him to which I responded “Are you joking?” He then wrote me an email explaining how he had signed up for the site and accidentally emailed all his contacts with a request to connect. Whatever, honest mistake, could happen to anyone.

Then he writes me again saying he has always felt badly about how he handled things with us and wanted to apologize. I immediately thought he was either (a) dying or (b) on whichever of the 12 steps it is that requires you to make amends with people you have wronged. Apparently it was (c) neither and he was just genuinely really sorry and wanted to apologize.

That’s fine, no worries, apology accepted. He emails every now and again over the following months, nothing really major, just friendly banter. Then the emails took a turn for the “I was driving in your old neighborhood and was thinking we should get together sometime.” Um…well that made me a little bit leery but again, I will usually give people the benefit of the doubt.

We eventually meet up for a drink recently – nice enough time, a lot of laughs and generally good to catch up. I had come straight from work by Metro, so he offered to give me a ride home. As we pull up in front of my apartment he says “so do you wanna do it upstairs or I have a blanket in the backseat?” I had a momentary look of “UM…WTF?!?!” (because again I have NO pokerface outside of the game of poker) and he laughed so I just thought to myself “oh WHEW, thank god he was joking”

But then he points at my chest and says with no hint of humor, “Seriously, were they always that big? Cause I hadn’t remembered them being that big.”

Classy.
So. Very. Classy.

I just wished him a good night, got out of that car and went upstairs thinking “This kind of sh*t seriously only happens to me.” Then, about two weeks ago, I get a text from him at 10 pm on a Monday night “Hey what r u up to?”

I didn’t respond. I get a gchat message from him the next day “Too good to answer my text? I was in the mood to make some questionable decisions last night.”

Ok seriously…enough. I have learned my lesson and it’s clear you cannot be friends with everyone. Hopefully he will fade away again and go bother some other girl with his inability to keep his Inner Monologue to himself.

It might not shock you that I probably won’t be keeping in touch with IM. Or IN. Or F. But some of the people you may read about in Tales From The Trenches, well yeah, we do still keep in touch. And oh boy I hope they don’t ever find this blog.

Tales from the Trenches Tuesday

I was giving today's posting some thought after yesterday’s semi-somber posting... then something happened as I was leaving work yesterday that let me know exactly what tale I should tell you all today.

As you may know from some of those commercials that seem to be everywhere, online dating is pretty mainstream these days. I have done my fair share of it, as has just about any single person you know, whether they admit to it or not. I have met (a few) great guys, (a bunch of) fun guys that turned into friends of mine, and (a lot of) crazies, creeps, *ssholes and weirdos. One site touts some data point that today 1 in 5 relationships start online. I believe it, I have met that 1 a couple times. But more often I have found myself seated across the table from one of the other 4.

Even with online dating being much more out in the open these days, I am still a HUGE proponent of withholding some of your personal information from the get-go, until you see if this is person you may want to get to know better and not just one that is going to end up in the crazy/creep/*sshole/weirdo bucket. So I actually have a separate email account that I use for that purpose. It’s good because then they can’t google search you or find you on facebook (trust me, it happens and it’s creepy) but they also don’t have your full name. I once had somoene give me a bit of a hard time about that when I eventually gave him my “real” email address after things had progressed for a bit. But seriously, TRUST me on this one. ALWAYS start out with an email address that is something other than your actual name or the email address you use for regular correspondance, facebook, twitter, etc.

I had gotten an email from MC who didn’t have a photo posted on his profile. While this should usually be a little red flag, if the email is a good enough one (i.e. something funny that makes me laugh), I will often respond. In DC, it is not uncommon for people not to post a profile pic because of a job (CIA, FBI…you get the drift.) So we eventually began corresponding through direct email, albeit my “other” email account. When MC would find me online at the same time as him, he sent me chat messages. The little red flags became a little bigger when he was really vague about some topics – what area of DC he worked in or what he did for a living. But again, I tried to just overlook them a bit - could be another DC job-related reason for that.

Then MC finally sent me a chat message that had some more detailed information. He was at a conference in Vegas. Standard enough, who hasn’t been to a conference in Vegas? But it was going on at the exact same time as another conference I knew that was talking place in Vegas. One my assistant happened to have helped plan a very pricey and lavish reception at for a group of attorneys I work with. After asking a few clever fact-gathering questions (Nancy Drew ain’t got nothing on me!) I realized that this person who had found me online was one of my attorneys.

Whose office is on the same floor as me.

And who is MARRIED.

Oh yes, you read that right. Dude is married. I immediately blocked him from chat and email and had a strong urge to take a shower with all of my clothes on, that’s how gross and skeezed out I felt after this horrible realization. So while I don’t think online dating is the worst thing going out there, I do think that ladies should be careful because there are some Married Creepers out there on those sites.

Oh and yesterday? I was running for the elevator trying to get out of work at a decent time. I was bent over trying to dig my Metro card out of my bag before the elevator arrived when I heard someone else walk up to the elevators. And when I looked up, there was MC totally looking down my shirt as I was leaned over rifling through my bag. And again I had that overwhelming urge to take a shower with all my clothes on.

Most. Awkward. Elevator. Ride. Ever.

Tales from the Trenches Tuesday

Let’s head back to Baltimore for today's posting. For those that have only ever visited and never lived in Baltimore, you should know that it is really very BYOF – bring your own friends. They are not too receptive to outsiders and it is tough to meet people and make friends there. When people ask you “Where did you go to school?” they mean high school, not college.

So it was a pleasant surprise to find 2 guys we knew from undergrad not only living in our neighborhood but actually living on the very same block, literally across the street from us. It was great fun to have more people we knew in the city to hang out with and having a sort of shared history and the college common denominator helped too.

Eventually, something sparked between me and PL. It was super casual, G-rated and totally innocent. I mean we might as well have been in grade school. In hindsight it was probably more of a good friendship at the time that maybe one or both of us tried to turn into something else…just to try it on for size and see if it worked. And while it didn’t really work, it didn’t exactly not work either. So it just kind of lingered on for awhile. Fall turned into winter and there were a couple snow storms making travel off of our street pretty tricky. So having someone to hang out with right across the street from you…well that was just logistically advantageous.

PL had also recently gotten a super cute puppy. Like so adorable it hurt. And like 98% of other females out there, I am a sucker for a cute dog. So between the harsher winter climate, the convenience of him living across the street, and the added bonus of a lovable little pup, can you blame me for just letting it drag on a bit without really giving it too much thought or attention that I basically didn’t have anything that was attracting me to PL specifically? I hope not (and also thank you for overlooking the shallowness of my youth!)



One day, we were holed up in my house watching movies with the snow and frigid temps howling away outside. And he was so nice and thoughtful and respectful. Made popcorn, fetched drinks, and shared the blanket. And I found myself sort of annoyed by him and just missing the puppy.

It was then that I knew I had to end things with PL. Because Puppy Love should be that early infatuation you feel with someone you have just started seeing. Not seeing someone only because you like spending time with his puppy.

Tales from the Trenches Tuesday

Ok, sorry for being tardy to this party once again. Finally got home from vacation yesterday and feel like I have been running around ever since the wheels touched down on the tarmac.

I recently had a request for some Tales from the Trenches: the College Years, so I thought I would take that as a cue and recount one of my more infamous stories. (Yes, I do take requests!)

As has been mentioned in some earlier posts, I was in a sorority in college. That only meant you had more access or opportunities to meet boys; it doesn’t guarantee that you actually did. And as I also mention in an earlier posting, I was classified as being not that cute by some other girls in the sorority. Let’s just say that didn’t give me a whole lot of self confidence when it came to talking to boys in college.

Now, I never want to give you the impression that being in the sorority was an entirely bad thing, because it wasn’t. One of the perks of having a hundred “sisters” was that at these parties/events, it meant you had a whole mess of other girls to try and help set you up with or talk to guys, which happened to be the case when I met C.

I saw him at a party (sorry, I refuse to call them “mixers” like other schools do because at my school that word was reserved for the splash of soda/juice that went into our drinks) and told one of my sisters (we didn’t use that word either, but I’ll use it now) that I thought he was cute. We had an upcoming event called “Screw Your Sister” where girls in the house were supposed to set each other up with their dates. The “screw” kind of gives the wrong impression as you were really supposed to set the girl up with someone she thought was cute. Or maybe it's because you hoped if you were set up with a cute guy that the "screw" would come after the event? Huh, maybe that was it -- show's you how naive I was in college. Anyway, C agreed to go with me but then realized he would be out of town that weekend. Then as it would happen….no one bothered to then set me up with someone else in C’s place. I remember sitting in the house’s study the night of the event as everyone else got ready to leave thinking I actually did end up getting screwed after all.

C felt bad about not being able to go to the event, so I asked him to go to my sorority's formal a few weeks later. I mean he said yes once so, I thought there would be a good shot that he would say yes again. I am a real risk-taker that way.

We had an ok time at formal – I mean you get to put on a fancy dress and drink, so really how bad is it going to be? So we continued to hang out with each other somewhat regularly after the formal. But it was really….well, boring. I mean it was also college, so of course eventually every evening/activity came around to going out, drinking and hooking up. But talking to him was borderline painful. I kept waiting for him to come out of his shell. I didn’t realize that that’s just who he was, yhere was no shell to come out of.

Yet I KEPT hanging out with him. Eventually someone asked me why (as well they should) and I told them it was like this - if you hadn’t eaten in a really long time, and someone came up and handed you a cracker, you aren’t really in a position to bitch that it's a stale saltine and you were really in the mood for a triscuit or a wheat thin. Or one of those fancy snooty water crackers. You take the damn saltine and are just happy anyone offered you a cracker at all.
Tales from the Trenches is brought to you today by the letter C for Cracker. Because sometimes a stale, boring saltine is better than nothing at all.

Tales from the Trenches Tuesday

Two days late...I know, I know. Slacking after just one week. But Tuesday ended up being ridiculously crazy at work -- amazingly Temp Asst. did not screw up EVERYTHING yesterday, maybe just 40% of it. The it was home late to pack and get ready for the ride that would pick me up for the airport at an hour I do not think I have ever been physically awake at. Then yesterday was filled with travel, subsequent travel frustrations, and then capped off with a fantastic dinner with friends. I did draft this on the plane yesterday, hopefully that doesn't make me a TOTAL slacker. So sorry bout that everybody!

So let's see....why don't we go with I.N. for this week's installment. I met I.N. when I was living in Baltimore. My roommate at the time and I used to hang out a lot near our house in Canton Square. I think the Square may be the only think I miss about living in Baltimore -- it was a real cute little neighborhood with low key bars with good food, good times and cheap drinks, the trifecta. These were the days of youth and frivolity where you'd meet random cute guys out at a bar and then end up hosting a late night party back on our roof top deck. Okay, only OTHER thing I miss about Baltimore is my rooftop deck.

So I.N. and I started dating -- nothing serious, just fun. I feel like that happens more often in the summertime, you sort of both don't think it may get to be something serious, but both people are content to just have fun and enjoy each other's company for the summer months.

Anyway, I.N. lived just north of the city so it wouldn't be uncommon for us to be out in Baltimore and for him to stay at my house. He also played in some sports league...seriously I can't remember if it was softball or kickball or what, but lots of times he would come stay over when his game ran late.

Or when the "after the game" celebrations ran late, as was the case this one night. He showed up at the back of the house, banging on the door to be let in. This was not endearing or cute...this was annoying and irritating. I let him in, already knowing he was going to be Drunk with a capital D.

As most drunk people are wont to do, he started rummaging around the kitchen trying to find something to eat. I left him alone for just about 5 minutes, I think I ran upstairs for something. When I came back to the kitchen, he had fixed himself two hot pockets and was enjoying them standing up. With one foot hiked up on one of our kitchen stools (a la Captain Morgan). And he had stripped completely naked. Buck naked eating hot pockets in my kitchen.

A few thoughts should come to mind here.

One, while it may have looked sexy in 9 1/2 weeks, sometimes food ceases to be sexy when it is something that can be messy.

Two, drunk people rarely look good eating while they are CLOTHED let alone in the buff. I mean have you ever been sober at Jumbo Slice in DC at 2am? It's like feeding time at the zoo. Except all the animals are drunk out of their mind and smell like Red Bull and disappointment.

And three...the contents of hot pockets tend to, well ooze. And the insides can be hot, like lava hot. I don't think anyone would want that dripping on their skin, let alone their swimsuit area.

Anyway, this week's Tales from the Trenches Tuesday has been brought to you by the letters "I" and "N"...for Inappropriate Nakedness.

Tales from the Trenches Tuesday

As promised! I was trying to think all morning of what story “note” I should start this out on…and then I got into the office and all hell was breaking loose and I haven’t had a moment of peace again until now. HR had to step in and give my assistant temp a little “talking to” so now she has done a complete 180 from being a useless bump on a log to being scared shitless and completely up my ass. Not sure this change is a good thing.

So anyway….let’s set the bar a medium-to-low for this posting and I will aim higher in the weeks to come. I will never use real names and even the initials used in lieu of their name may be made up. However, some of you reading this may be able to figure it out on their own, so you all can go ahead and pat yourselves on the back, you clever bunch, you!

I had gone on a few dates with “F” and things seemed pretty ok. Similar sense of humor (one of the most important things for me), Naval Academy Grad, good job, good head on his shoulders, tall AND Irish (he should have been put in a museum for that rare combination alone.) One night he met me and some friends out at a bar and I ended up going back to his apt with him. Minds out of the gutter all…I slept on the couch. But the next day was actually pretty fun – a lazy Sunday of watching movies on TV.

As it was starting to get later in the afternoon, I politely dropped enough hints that he eventually offered to drive me home. We walked out to his SUV and he even opens the door for me. As a side note, isn’t it so freaking sad that we now swoon over a guy that opens a car door for you when that used to be something everyone called just having good manners? Anyways, I hop into the car and notice something weird near the console. I am also the least tech/gadget savvy person alive (seriously, my roommate usually has to program the DVR for me, I am that pathetic) so I figure it must be something for an ipod/phone/GPS/etc.

“F” finally gets around to the drivers side and gets in. Then acting as if this is how it works for everyone, picks up said “weird thing”, brings it up to his lips and blows into it. That’s right…he has a breathalyzer on his car. I mean, how
is one to respond to that?? Those reading this that know me would not be surprised to learn that I could not contain my look of “WTF?!?” because outside of the actual game of poker, I have no poker face. Yes, this is just like that scene of “40 Year Old Virgin” only thankfully he was sober and didn’t need me to blow into the breathalyzer for him.

Now, I can’t say that I know exactly how he should have broached this subject because unlike him I have never decided to go drive a car after a night of heavy drinking. Let alone do it multiple times b/c doesn’t this need to be a repeated problem before they slap one of these devices on your car??? He sort of shrugged it off like it was some cool feature on newer car models or something. I don’t know if I was more off-put by his inability to let me know about this before we got in the car or his blasé attitude in explaining it when I asked “Um….so what’s up with that?”, but needles to say that was the last time I decided to see “F.”

This week's Tale from the Trenches has been brought to you by the letter “F” for Felon.

Tales from the Trenches Tuesday

I have been getting quite good at posting more often on here (and my thanks to the 3 of you that noticed!) So I figure it's time I kick it up a notch and add an actual, honest-to-goodness, recurring weekly post.

So Tales from the Trenches -- what is it and what can you expect? Well basically, just a place for me to recount for your reading pleasure all of the weirdos, creeps, and *ssholes I have had the pleasure of getting to meet over the course of my dating career. And no, they won't all be bad, but I will try and keep everything on the funny side. Sort of an "I date them so you don't have to" kind of thing.


I thought this could be fun for a few reasons:
1. I know there are other single girls out there going through similar experiences, and if my anecdotes can somehow make them feel better about their own, then that's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

2. I have a lot of married friends who think that being single and dating is like one big fun episode of Sex in the City. No, it isn't and you need to get out more often, that show has been off the air for a long time now. Sadly, I think dating looks more like a casting session for an episode of Dateline's "To Catch a Predator."

3. I have a lot of married friends who think that being single and dating sounds scary as all get out and they have no clue if they would be able to do it. You are right, sometimes it is scary as hell and no, there are many of you that I would not want to see give this a try. So please just go stay married and next time the husband does something truly repulsive, ponder what he actually may have saved you from.

A long, long time ago, I was considering going on a date with this one guy. Back and forth, I was nervous that I shouldn't go and maybe I should cancel. But a good friend who was just about to hang up her single girl hat after getting engaged told me this (paraphrasing...after all that was a long, long time ago), "Just please go on the date. Because he might turn out to be someone wonderful. And if not, I know you will turn it into a really funny story."

So here I am, too many funny stories later, with nothing to do but post them for your amusement. So starting NEXT TUESDAY, that will be the promise I try to make good on every week. My pain will be your gain. You're welcome.

You can take a Mulligan in golf. Not so much in relationships.

I am a huge fan of 30 Rock – smart, funny, and I respect their use of inside jokes. For those that don’t follow the show, they recently had a plotline where one of the lead characters was going back and re-evaluating her previous romantic relationships. Longer story of why she was doing this but it basically comes down to someone telling her that there are not really all that many “types” out there and by that point in her life, and it’s likely she had already met the one for her. Now, I don’t know if I would agree or disagree with that but it did get me to thinking. Lately I have become way too aware that this phenomenon of going back and seeing if maybe you overlooked something in a previous relationship, or maybe the timing or something else was off before and could be better now, re-visiting people from your past to see if maybe there was something still there worth considering. Well I can tell you that this phenomenon is real. And it is most definitely NOT just the ladies who set out digging through their ex files.

I don’t know what the F it is, but people have been coming back around in my life like some sort of weird boomerang that I could have thrown out years ago that somehow eventually returns to smack me in the back of the head. Hey, I am all for being green but Reduce-Reuse-Recycle should not generally be applied to people and relationships, know what I mean?

People who left my life at various points in time. Ranging in levels of seriousness of involvement. Varying lengths of time we were together. None of these things give any clear indication of if or when someone decides to make a return appearance. I wish I could say as I got older, I understood guys more. I actually think the reverse is true. I am more confused today then ever before.

These weird occurrences started a couple years ago. I was just coming out of a serious relationship and the break was one of those bad ones. Longer and more drawn out then it needed to be and a lot of hurt and anger on both sides. About a month later I was contacted by an ex who was going to be driving through my neck of the woods on a drive home to see family and we should get together for a drink. Since he and I had broken up years before, we honestly and truly had been able to salvage a friendship after our romantic relationship ended. That definitely did not happen instantaneously and was aided by him living far away. And I honestly and naively thought it really was just having a drink with a friend. Please keep your mind out of the gutter, it was all very PG rated, but it was more than a drink. He was also coming out of what sounded like a pretty painful breakup so it was probably that we were both in bad places and it felt comforting. We have still kept in touch over the years that followed, even me flying down to visit him a few times. Those are times when your head tells you that you should know better than to do something that ridiculous. But your heart just wants to feel that sense of being totally comfortable with someone, even if it is for a weekend. And sometimes you let your heart win.

The following year I was leaving an old job and getting ready to start a new one. I was sad about leaving the friends I had made at the old job but really looking forward to starting something new that I thought would be really challenging, a position which I could work hard at and do well in (this became my start of law firm hell – good to know there was a time that I was looking forward to it!) From out of nowhere, another ex got in touch with me. We had remained friendly – our relationship ended nicely enough, the timing was just bad and he moved away shortly after things ended between us. I guess a recurring theme here is you can remain friends or stay friendly if you live a sizable distance apart! We had always kept in touch here and there after he moved away. Then out of nowhere he gets in touch with me and says such nice things, things that sound like he’s reading a movie script. He had been thinking about me so much and wonders about what could have been. All those sorts of things that I don’t care how cynical you may be or how hard your edge is – you melt a little. Or as I remember doing at the time, you melt a lot. I was getting talked into canceling my plans for the weekend and taking a last minute trip down to see him. We spent time emailing; we spent hours talking on the phone. And when the time come to really make a decision, to see if I thought we could make something like this work, I said no. I got scared that there might be a catch, scared of taking such a huge risk. I felt like I was having that same conversation with myself – my head vs. my heart. And my head made the better argument this time. I thought being a grown up meant making tough decisions so that’s what I did.

Things have stayed quiet for a while. Then all of the sudden, people start showing up again. Maybe it’s a Facebook effect – some friends and I often joke about guys we had gone out with or been otherwise involved with “kicking around” on our facebook pages. Commenting on photos, writing on our walls. But the people who have come back around lately are not the result of Facebook. I wish that were the case so I could easily explain this recent outbreak and be done with it.

One is someone I dated about two years ago. It was a fun, non-serious little fling of a couple months. Something I knew was going nowhere, but it was happening at a time where I needed the distraction and wanted something cheap, fun and easy. Like knowing you should go home and fix a healthy dinner and then saying “screw it” and going through the drive-thru instead. Anyway, this guy has actually had a few nicknames bestowed upon him, but the best one would be MDIYL. That stands for “My d*ck is your loss” – that’s the text message he sent when things between us were ending. Clearly no one can ever accuse me of not being able to pick classy winners! He was someone who was I think 32 at the time and acted like he was going on 22, so it didn’t surprise me – I actually laughed pretty hard and enjoy telling that story just to see people’s reactions. He came around out of nowhere a couple months ago, writing me to apologize about how horribly he had treated me and how he had always felt so badly about it and was really ashamed of it. Wow, okay. I just figured maybe he was on whichever of the twelve steps it was where you make amends. Okay, that's nice enough, hope he feels better getting that off his chest. But then he emails me again recently – out of nowhere – about driving past my old neighborhood and how am I and what am I up to this weekend and maybe we should get together and grab dinner sometime. Huh? I think girls get a bad rap for being a little looney tunes sometimes, but clearly crazy goes both ways. I haven’t talked to you in years. You actually texted me that your d*ck was going to be my loss. It wasn’t. Do we really need to discuss that over dinner? Yeah….I’m thinking no.

And that brings us to the present. Things with the most recent guy, well they did not exactly work out. I feel badly about that and am obviously disappointed, but it’s all okay . But then about a week after, he emails me. Chatting, bullsh*tting like nothing happened. I get the whole “I hope we can still be friends” business, but let’s be real. Nine times out of ten that’s something we all just say and don’t truly mean. It’s like asking someone how their day is going and you probably could care less. But you ask because it’s the socially acceptable thing to do. So, ok….I guess I should know from my past that yes, you can actually be friends. But it doesn’t happen a week later. And if my previous track record is any indication, this guy is clearly going to have to move far away! To be fair, I think he's a great guy and you shouldn't NOT be friends because it didn't work out. But I think you need to give it more than a freaking week, no matter how short or long lived the relationship was.

So I am not even going to try and say that this long rambling post had a point or offered any insight. Sorry about that, folks. I have just been scratching my head about all this lately. So I will send it out there into the universe and maybe somehow I will get some answer giving me insight as to why this happens. Here’s to hoping the Universe’s sign of choice is not having one of these fellows drunk texting me over this long holiday weekend because that would be not cool. You hear me, Universe? Not cool.

Is it crowded in here or is it just me?

I am getting into a place I don't think I have been in for awhile and it's becoming increasingly clear to me, I wasn't remotely prepared to be here. Guys and dating and all of that....well, personally I haven't ever taken a shine to it. For the most part I have always felt I was better on my own and often feel more comfortable alone than I do with another person. It's a bit weird and the total opposite of lots of people that I know. Yet another thing that makes me different...shocking. But after I switched jobs, I had more free time. I wasn't living in my office or consumed by work anymore. I had time in my life for this. Truthfully, I think if our apartment complex allowed us to have pets, I would have gotten a puppy to fill my free time and that would have been the end of it. Sadly, we can't have any "walking pets" and I think if I spent all my free time talking to a goldfish it would be a cause for concern.

But no puppies, and no goldfish. And I did meet someone that I actually got excited about -- wanted to get to know better and spend some time with. And that's when everything started to get a little screwy for me. I haven't cared much for the people I have dated the past couple years. That's sounds horrible, I know, I sort of cringed a bit as I typed that. I guess to clarify it a little bit and not make me sound totally horrible, I dated people who were fun/convenient at the time but were pretty much throwaways that I didn't care if they stuck around. Sometimes we are all just out to have a bit of fun and have someone to go to dinner with and have a laugh. But we wouldn't be asking them to go to a concert the following month cause we don't really think they'll still be around then, if you know what I mean.

So here I am, allowing myself to pursue things with this person when everything in my better judgement says no. The rational and practical part of me is really holding back and digging my heels in. I was trying to ignore it for a bit...allowing myself to think I was just being overly sensitive or analytical or something like that. But it really felt like some spaces started filling up. There were numerous off-handed references to previous girlfriends and relationships that I thought should be saved for a leter conversation. I brushed that off -- I didn't want to, but I am trying here. But then memories of some of my exes that I had really shoved to the back of the closet came tumbling out and many of them were not good. I will (try to) keep this all on the up and up because that's the classy thing to do, but I don't honestly think any of them know this little blog exists let alone would read it, so I think I am pretty safe. By and large, I have been pretty fortunate when it comes to exes. Some are still my friends. Most I know (god bless hindsight!) that it was for the best. But there are a bunch of them. And some mean more than others. One I cared about more than anything and I didn't treat him as well as I should have. One I think I made a mistake. One I will always wonder about. And one will always make me feel horrible - about him and about myself for being with him. That's the mixed bag I am walking around with. But there they were showing up, and it felt like they were there in the room and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. And I honestly don't know how to handle it. I think I am having a lot more trouble dealing with things from my past because I never took the time to deal with it when it was happening. And now that is coming back to bite me in the ass. The larger part of it is that the last person, the last one that I was actually serious about, was just horrible. The time between then and now has allowed me to see even more clearly what a total idiot I was for not just allowing someone to treat me like an afterthought, but not realizing it was happening and walking away. Even when friends in my life at the time pointed it out to me, I guess I just didn't want to see it for myself or admit it. Lesson learned that you can't ever have someone be your priority who only sees you as their option.

Now I just don't know -- don't know where I am, where my head is at, what I want to do. Don't know how to kick out all my unwelcome guests. Don't know how not to let my unfortunate previous experiences cloud not only my view of this guy now but how to not let it affect how I act towards him.