Last week I went to a concert at WolfTrap, one of my favorite venues in the DC area. Many people like it because a perk of getting lawn seats (besides them being cheaper) is that you can bring in your own food and drinks, including beer and wine. I know, so great, right? People bring in honest to god pic-a-nic baskets, brimming with fruit and cheese platters, pita chips and hummus, little stakes that go into the ground to hold your wine glass, the works. Usually you see these sort of spreads with a group of all ladies, or when the wives/girlfriends of the group were in charge of bringing the food. Otherwise it is a sure sign of a second/third date where the guy is trying hard to impress or a sprinkling of gay men.
Personally, I happen to like it because it is always a fabulous place for people-watching. Maybe it’s because with all that booze readily available in front of you and no need to go purchase it at a concession stand, people may tend to drink a little more than they normally would. The people watching last week was pretty great and I wanted to share some of the highlights with you.
• Sitting on a lawn is a little more quaint and cozy that being in the seated area. You can spread out your blanket, have your snacks and relax. But just because you’ve created a space that looks like your living room does not mean you are in your living room. So while the music may make you feel a bit amorous, please refrain from laying ON TOP of your concert companion. Ew. Maybe it had been awhile since they got some lovin’ but come on, for the love of god. Wait until you are home in your house/apt/condo, cocooned by all the Williams Sonoma, Pottery Barn, and Crate & Barrel sh*t people bought you off your wedding registry. Cause I bet you ten bucks, looking at all those pots and pans and place settings and vases and matching cloth napkins gets your lady WAY more excited than any song could.
• Again, while it may feel like you are in your living room, you are actually out on a big lawn, so if you are speaking in a raised voice, everyone around you can hear your dorky/inappropriate/annoying conversations. And I promise you we don’t care about the new software at work/a weird rash you noticed/which Real Housewives are your favorites.
• For some reason, all old white people dancing look like they are stoned to me. Unless they are at a wedding. In which case I know they are dancing like that because they are smashed.
• You all look ridiculous in these so please stop wearing them. Seriously, we are in DC people, not an extras casting call for Season 3 of “Miami Vice.”
• There is no brandy snifter with dollar bills shoved in it on the stage. That means the band is not generally going to TAKE REQUESTS FROM THE AUDIENCE. So for the love of granola, please stop yelling out for them to “PLAY (insert obscure song name here)” They have a set list and generally stick to it. You are shouting from the lawn and they can’t hear you. And looking at you, I am sure you played all the band’s CDs on the drive here so go play that song on the way home and shut the hell up.
• Just because a tank top claims it has a “shelf bra” does not mean that is going to be sufficient support for you. Seriously, I was with a guy and we both agreed it didn’t look sexy…it looked borderline NatGeo Aborigine disgusting.
• While you aren't out at a bar, it doesn’t mean you still can’t be “that girl” so please let’s keep each other in check out there ladies. I’m looking at you laughing hyena girl…all of the guys and a few of the girls in your group looked like they were ready to punch you in the face. I was ready to let them pay me to do it so they didn’t have to live with the guilt of roughing up one of their own. In hindsight, I should have – it would have been a win-win for all of us.