Because the weather has lifted around these parts....but my muddled, gray mood remains. And I don't know what to do about it. And literally there is nothing I can do about it at this time of day except just dump everything out here. Really not for any other reason then to just try and release some of it and hope it helps.
• I am terrified that I made the wrong choice by taking this job. I think back to all of the reasons I thought I was running towards this job, namely having actual coworkers and being part of a team, and am realizing that I don't have them. And am really scared that they won't come in time.
• I am scared that I am predisposed to work unfufilling jobs. Not that I need to be finding a cure for cancer or feeding starving folks. But I remember (vaguely) what it is like to feel passionate about your work. To feel engaged, and connected, and like you can accomplish something. And I haven't felt like that in so very long...and I am scared I might not feel it again.
• I sometimes feel like I don't know how to be in this relationship. I feel like I was in enough not so great ones that those are the only kind that I know how to be in. I feel like I'm losing some part of myself in this relationship with MVP right now because I want so much to hold onto it. And I feel like I'm compromising some of myself to do that, maybe more than I am comfortable with. And I just don't know how I feel about it.
• I feel so stressed out and overwhelmed at the moment. By the things I just described and by all the to do's to be done and obligations to meet and places I'm supposed to be. I just feel stretched and pulled in too many directions.
• As much as I do love spending time with MVP, I sometimes just feel a bit lonely and like I'd like to spend some quiet time by myself.
• I feel like I'm just unconnected/disconnected at the moment. Drifting. And I don't know what to do. When I'm by myself at night sometimes I just cry because I feel somewhat helpless to fix how messy everything feels at the moment.