Monday, September 12, 2011

Mental Dump

Because the weather has lifted around these parts....but my muddled, gray mood remains. And I don't know what to do about it. And literally there is nothing I can do about it at this time of day except just dump everything out here. Really not for any other reason then to just try and release some of it and hope it helps.

• I am terrified that I made the wrong choice by taking this job. I think back to all of the reasons I thought I was running towards this job, namely having actual coworkers and being part of a team, and am realizing that I don't have them. And am really scared that they won't come in time.

• I am scared that I am predisposed to work unfufilling jobs. Not that I need to be finding a cure for cancer or feeding starving folks. But I remember (vaguely) what it is like to feel passionate about your work. To feel engaged, and connected, and like you can accomplish something. And I haven't felt like that in so very long...and I am scared I might not feel it again.

• I sometimes feel like I don't know how to be in this relationship. I feel like I was in enough not so great ones that those are the only kind that I know how to be in. I feel like I'm losing some part of myself in this relationship with MVP right now because I want so much to hold onto it. And I feel like I'm compromising some of myself to do that, maybe more than I am comfortable with. And I just don't know how I feel about it.

• I feel so stressed out and overwhelmed at the moment. By the things I just described and by all the to do's to be done and obligations to meet and places I'm supposed to be. I just feel stretched and pulled in too many directions.

• As much as I do love spending time with MVP, I sometimes just feel a bit lonely and like I'd like to spend some quiet time by myself.

• I feel like I'm just unconnected/disconnected at the moment. Drifting. And I don't know what to do. When I'm by myself at night sometimes I just cry because I feel somewhat helpless to fix how messy everything feels at the moment.


  1. Oh no! I know almost entirely how you feel here. Like, it's scary how much I can relate to your post. But, it's normal. The job thing sucks, but it takes time to become part of a group. Ive been at my job for the second year now and I feel LESS a part of things this year than I did last year (and am seriously contemplating a job-move after this school year). So, I get it. At my other job it took a little bit to feel like I belonged to something. So, just try and give THAT time.
    That is also probably contributing to your feelings overall about work. Hopefully with time they will both feel a bit better. It's hard to judge when it all feels like it has "sucks" written all over it.
    As for your relationship, it's harder to comment on without knowing specifics, but you should definitely not lose yourself entirely in your relationship. I mean, some is normal bc you're two separate people doing things together, so some "meshing" is normal and healthy. Just don't let it consume you to the point where you're not doing things that YOU want to do, or standing up for yourself and things like that. Been there, done that, and it isnt a good thing!
    If you need someone to talk to, I'm here (and in the same city! haha) So, just let me know, and in the meantime sending you interwebs hugs and smiles!!!

  2. I just read this and running off to work. Going to email you later...Thinking of you. xo

  3. I know it's not so simple to blame the weather, but I swear, for years I would just sink into a dark-ish place come Fall - and I love so much about this season. Sometimes I still feel it creeping around and I have to work really hard to fight it off. I'm sorry you feel this way!

  4. sounds like you have a lot going on. i really wish i had some great advice for you, but my only advice is to journal.

    write it allllll down in your own personal little book (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and then re-read it in a few days. maybe share it with a friend, even, who could be helpful in discernment!

    positive thoughts, friend.