The devil you know may be better than the one you don't

I am sure I should be posting a recap of my weekend meeting MVP’s family. It would be a much happier, sunnier post. But right now, I just can’t muster it. I feel overcome by my situation at work and just feel like maybe it would help to vent. So you’ve been warned…this might be a tad long and rambling and might not come to any conclusion. But I am so on edge and frazzled and upset at the moment, I need this space right now to try and let some of that go. If you aren’t up for the below vent/rant, then you should definitely stop reading now.

It feels like 3 years when I posted how excited I was about the new job. The reality is it’s only been 3 months. And I am struggling. Struggling to find my way, struggling to make peace with this choice I made. When in reality, I want to kick the crap out of me for making this choice.

I had a feeling. A small, little tug in my gut that made me hesitant to accept the job offer. I had no feeling of excitement over the work I would be doing, a feeling I definitely had when I was salivating over the job I was interviewing for back in the spring. I didn’t necessarily feel that I was going to kick-butt at this new job. I knew I was going to try. But I was really nervous over how it might all play out. My excitement and joy wasn’t over what I was going towards. It was over what I would be leaving behind.

I felt desperate to get out of my previous field. I sometimes felt like screaming at the top of my lungs “Would someone just give me a chance?!?!” I have tons of valuable experience. I am a hard worker. I generally have a lot going for me and can do well in an interview. But I feel like HR folks took a look at my resume, so my most recent years spent in law firms, and just dismissed me. I had calls from headhunters and recruiters to go and work in other law firms, but that’s not what I was interested in. I wanted out. But more than out, I wanted up. Up to something new and better and exciting. Up to something where I could make an impact and be successful.

When this offer came in, part of me felt like I just had to take it. I was not happy in the law firm setting. I didn’t want to be “on call” 24-7 and sleep with my blackberry. I didn’t want to be talked to like I was “less than” anymore because I didn’t have a J.D. Or talked to like I was “less than” by some particularly b*tchy non-lawyer colleague just because she felt like she could. And the fact was, she could. No one did anything to stop her from talking to me like I was gum scraped from the bottom of her shoe.

But I guess it is true that sometimes the devil you know is better than the one you don’t. It isn’t just about the uncertainty that the sale of the current company has brought. Truth be told, I could sort of deal with that because really, it happened one month in so if things were to change, I could roll with those punches. Hell, if I were to go the road of “last one hired, first one fired” I could even deal with it. No, I wouldn’t be doing cartwheels over my new unemployed status, but I know that these things happen and there was no way for me to be able to see that company change coming.

What I can’t deal with is this feeling of confusion, and not being able to clear a path. I get bounced around like a ping pong ball here. Sometimes I may get taken advantage of because I am so new and people tell me to do things that aren’t necessarily in my domain but I struggle to get them done anyway because hey, I don’t know any better.

I tried to take the attitude recently of just come in, get done what I could get done in the span of that day, and be eternally grateful for the end of each day so that I could go home and be one day closer to the weekend. Awesome way to be? Not really. But better than anything else I could figure at the moment. Still better than being unemployed.

But then this morning I had a visitor to my office to tell me that, while she wouldn’t “rat me out” per say, it was completely unacceptable for me to have a personal package delivered to the office. See, I had had a delivery problem when a recent package needed to be signed for. I tried to get it delivered when L might be home at the apartment, but no luck. When I called the company to see what we could arrange, I gave them my work address. Then had that moment of clarity that no, that wouldn’t work because I would be out Thursday afternoon and all day Friday so I wouldn’t actually be here to accept it. I explained to them that the office wasn’t really secure and there was a huge theft problem here. So they said that’s fine, we won’t deliver it there, and if UPS couldn’t make that 3rd delivery at my apartment, the package would be held at a local UPS facility for a week and I could pick it up then. Perfect, let’s do that and thank you so much for your help. Thought I had taken care of everything.

So I was surprised when I arrived in the office yesterday and saw the huge box waiting for me here. I was annoyed that the company hadn’t done what it said it was going to do but oh well; at least the thing got delivered. And then today I get reprimanded for it and made to feel like Big Brother is watching me, and my packages, and I could be very much “in trouble” for having this box delivered at the office.

And now I just feel like crap about being here all over again. I can’t win here. And the saddest part is, I don’t know how much I feel like trying any more. I feel eternally defeated. I feel thrown into the deep end without a life jacket. And I am not swimming. I’m not even able to tread water. I feel like I am going to drown.

As much as it makes me cringe to say it, I sometimes find myself wishing I hadn't left the firm. Was I skipping to work every day? Hell no. But I knew my place there. Knew how to try and get things done. Had at least one friend/ally in my assistant and we could try and wade through the crap together. Knew what was expected of me and tried as best as I could to achieve it. Sadly, I don't feel a whole lot of that here. At least not now. And I am not sure I will any time soon.

I said to MVP this weekend that I know I can't unring this bell and there is not a lot of good going to come out of regretting my choice. Maybe I am doing this job now to prepare me for a better one to come later on. The trouble is, every single day I keep thinking I don't know how patient I can be with waiting to see what might come later on.

So like I said…this post has no conclusion. Just needed to get some of this out of my head for now so that I can at least try to pick myself up and trudge through this day. And it’s only Tuesday. Fabulous.