Tales from the Trenches Tuesday

I have been getting quite good at posting more often on here (and my thanks to the 3 of you that noticed!) So I figure it's time I kick it up a notch and add an actual, honest-to-goodness, recurring weekly post.

So Tales from the Trenches -- what is it and what can you expect? Well basically, just a place for me to recount for your reading pleasure all of the weirdos, creeps, and *ssholes I have had the pleasure of getting to meet over the course of my dating career. And no, they won't all be bad, but I will try and keep everything on the funny side. Sort of an "I date them so you don't have to" kind of thing.


I thought this could be fun for a few reasons:
1. I know there are other single girls out there going through similar experiences, and if my anecdotes can somehow make them feel better about their own, then that's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

2. I have a lot of married friends who think that being single and dating is like one big fun episode of Sex in the City. No, it isn't and you need to get out more often, that show has been off the air for a long time now. Sadly, I think dating looks more like a casting session for an episode of Dateline's "To Catch a Predator."

3. I have a lot of married friends who think that being single and dating sounds scary as all get out and they have no clue if they would be able to do it. You are right, sometimes it is scary as hell and no, there are many of you that I would not want to see give this a try. So please just go stay married and next time the husband does something truly repulsive, ponder what he actually may have saved you from.

A long, long time ago, I was considering going on a date with this one guy. Back and forth, I was nervous that I shouldn't go and maybe I should cancel. But a good friend who was just about to hang up her single girl hat after getting engaged told me this (paraphrasing...after all that was a long, long time ago), "Just please go on the date. Because he might turn out to be someone wonderful. And if not, I know you will turn it into a really funny story."

So here I am, too many funny stories later, with nothing to do but post them for your amusement. So starting NEXT TUESDAY, that will be the promise I try to make good on every week. My pain will be your gain. You're welcome.

Do you know how many different flavors of Combos there are?

Seven. There are seven different flavors. I know, I thought there would be more too. But I counted them, and out of curiosity checked on the website today, and there are seven. (Zesty Salsa Tortilla and Jalapeno Cheddar Tortilla not pictured)

Counted? Yup, I did. And wouldn't you know there's a funny story to go along with that.

I took a day trip with L out to her parents house so she could water the flowers while her mom was away. It was a great day for a drive, and the promise of a stop at the Outlets on the way home made it all too enticing to pass up. After the plant watering had wrapped up (L watered, I supervised) we made a stop at Sheetz to get a drink and a snack before heading to the outlets.

While standing in front of the fridges, pondering the drink selection, up walks my ex's Dad to say hello to L. (L is friends with ex's sister -- because THAT is how small my world is) And as that happened, I snapped my sunglasses down on my nose and took a sharp turn into the chips aisle and hid out. Trying to stifle my "is this really happening" laughter and focusing my gaze on the combos display. Those reading this that know me (a big HEY! to all 4 of you) know that this kind of sh*t happens to me all the time. But all I could do to keep from laughing out loud was staring at those combos and trying to just stay hidden.

Why did I hide? I don't know, first impulse I guess. But after the coast was clear, one of the first things L said to me was "When I saw him walking up, I was just hoping you would see him too and run away" Good to know that others have "flight" as their first response to that scenario too.

Other highlights from this Sheetz trip include:

A guy in line behind me buying four 24 oz. cans of PBR. I may be wrong, but I don't think it was even noon yet.

A mom in the line, a few away from the register, yelling "I NEED THE MILKSHAKE, COURTNEY!" to her child who was on the other side of the store. Again, it was not yet noon, but maybe milkshakes count as breakfast?

I know what many of you must be thinking and I wholeheartedly agree -- these things would NEVER have happened at a Wawa. Lesson learned.

This and that and looking ahead

I had a great for no reason weekend. Friday maybe not so much, but that's for another post. A very long and productive Saturday followed by one of the laziest Sundays I may have ever had. Like EVER. I'm talking accidentally falling asleep on the couch for two hours lazy. Changed out of my pajama pants twice and both times it was to leave the apartment to get food kind of lazy.

And now it's back to another mind-numbing soul-crushing week of the office. Just my luck, this one has already set off to be off the charts irrational and crazy, hooray for me. But for once in a long while, I don't find myself with that huge sense of "Prozac, take me away!" that can set in on one of these too busy for any sane person kind of weeks. I am feeling like there are some things just ahead on the road to look forward to, so maybe that's helping to brighten the outlook a bit. It's nothing that I can or even want to talk about right now -- cause I have tried to talk about it with a few people and they sort of gave me that "well bless your heart..." kind of expression. You know the one that means "oh you stupid, foolish girl...that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard." So thanks to those folks for their (lack of) encouragement and support...and I am going to keep my lip zipped for now.

So looking ahead...lord knows the stuff behind me is too dreadful to look at anymore. So life is a highway and all that jazz...focused on the road ahead.

In my day, kids earned their treats...

I am sure a lot of other folks out there are like me, with special games and toys from their childhood that just make them nostalgic for being a kid. And nothing says summertime of my childhood like this bad boy:


Were you like me and had a serious love-hate relationship with the Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker? I loved it because of the delicious frozen treats it rewarded you with. Icy, brightly colored, sugary cups of deliciousness. I use the word rewarded because Snoopy made you work your ASS off to make those sno-cones. You had to put ice cubes in and then jam that little snoopy down to push the ice cubes towards the shaver, while simultaneously turning the little shaver tumbler. By the end of the summer, there were 7 year olds walking around with major guns. "Hey Timmy, you been lifting this summer?" "Nah, just hitting the Snoopy Sno-Cone maker every day"

I feel sad that kids today don't have that same experience. Maybe that little sno-cone maker was just a part of cultivating a generation's attitude and work ethic. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying my generation is amazing and everyone's a hard worker and a great citizen. But I can tell you this, we are better off than kids today because they are getting pampered with this nonsense:


Seriously? A Dairy Queen at-home Blizzard Maker? This is just another thing wrong with kids today and it is adding to their overwhelming sense of entitlement. When I was little DQ was a treat -- your parents took you after little league or soccer. It wasn't a kitchen gadget that spat out free treats for you anytime you wanted it.

Look how freaking happy those kids on the box are. No chance they had to go through the rigorous physical labor to produce those ice cream treats like we had to endure to end up with one little sno-cone. You saw a little kid passed out, with jacked up arms and a permanently blue-stained mouth, and you knew he had put in a hard day cranking out some Snoopy sno-cones for him and his pals.

Ah, I miss those days.

My latest obsession...

Because I seriously have not stopped thinking about this little guy for days. Those that know me know I have a serious weak spot for purses (and shoes...and jewelry...can't a girl have more than one weak spot?) Every year when holiday time rolls around, I toy with the idea of gathering up all my purses and posing in front of a crackling fire and use that snapshot as my christmas card. If it's okay for people with dogs and babies, I should be able to do it too!

But this little beauty is my latest obsession. This beautiful clutch that is fashioned to look like one of my favorite books. For the girl who wants to be chic but also stay true to her English major roots. It's a catch-22 really, because those with English majors usually work at jobs where they subsist on sandwiches leftover in the conference room after a meeting and couldn't afford this hefty price tag. Anyone want to start a collection for me? Or do I have a crafty friend out there who could make this? And if I do have that talented of a friend, why haven't you been making me more things, dammit!

So cheesy...so unnecessary...

But there is some small part of me that wants it because I think it is just too cute. Maybe I need to hurry up and adopt my little asian baby so I can buy girly things for someone other than myself.

Another installment of Office Observations

Why in the name of all that is good and holy, do trucks idling outside my office lay on their horns for MINUTES on end. I know that it may not seem that annoying or irritating to you reading this, but here in my office it sounds like I work at a wharf where tugboats come in and out every 20 minutes or so. It's McPherson Square, not a bay of loading docks around Baltimore's harbor. Maybe I should organize all the homeless at McP Square into some sort of militia and get this situation taken care of.

Just please, make the horns stop.