I am getting into a place I don't think I have been in for awhile and it's becoming increasingly clear to me, I wasn't remotely prepared to be here. Guys and dating and all of that....well, personally I haven't ever taken a shine to it. For the most part I have always felt I was better on my own and often feel more comfortable alone than I do with another person. It's a bit weird and the total opposite of lots of people that I know. Yet another thing that makes me different...shocking. But after I switched jobs, I had more free time. I wasn't living in my office or consumed by work anymore. I had time in my life for this. Truthfully, I think if our apartment complex allowed us to have pets, I would have gotten a puppy to fill my free time and that would have been the end of it. Sadly, we can't have any "walking pets" and I think if I spent all my free time talking to a goldfish it would be a cause for concern.
But no puppies, and no goldfish. And I did meet someone that I actually got excited about -- wanted to get to know better and spend some time with. And that's when everything started to get a little screwy for me. I haven't cared much for the people I have dated the past couple years. That's sounds horrible, I know, I sort of cringed a bit as I typed that. I guess to clarify it a little bit and not make me sound totally horrible, I dated people who were fun/convenient at the time but were pretty much throwaways that I didn't care if they stuck around. Sometimes we are all just out to have a bit of fun and have someone to go to dinner with and have a laugh. But we wouldn't be asking them to go to a concert the following month cause we don't really think they'll still be around then, if you know what I mean.
So here I am, allowing myself to pursue things with this person when everything in my better judgement says no. The rational and practical part of me is really holding back and digging my heels in. I was trying to ignore it for a bit...allowing myself to think I was just being overly sensitive or analytical or something like that. But it really felt like some spaces started filling up. There were numerous off-handed references to previous girlfriends and relationships that I thought should be saved for a leter conversation. I brushed that off -- I didn't want to, but I am trying here. But then memories of some of my exes that I had really shoved to the back of the closet came tumbling out and many of them were not good. I will (try to) keep this all on the up and up because that's the classy thing to do, but I don't honestly think any of them know this little blog exists let alone would read it, so I think I am pretty safe. By and large, I have been pretty fortunate when it comes to exes. Some are still my friends. Most I know (god bless hindsight!) that it was for the best. But there are a bunch of them. And some mean more than others. One I cared about more than anything and I didn't treat him as well as I should have. One I think I made a mistake. One I will always wonder about. And one will always make me feel horrible - about him and about myself for being with him. That's the mixed bag I am walking around with. But there they were showing up, and it felt like they were there in the room and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. And I honestly don't know how to handle it. I think I am having a lot more trouble dealing with things from my past because I never took the time to deal with it when it was happening. And now that is coming back to bite me in the ass. The larger part of it is that the last person, the last one that I was actually serious about, was just horrible. The time between then and now has allowed me to see even more clearly what a total idiot I was for not just allowing someone to treat me like an afterthought, but not realizing it was happening and walking away. Even when friends in my life at the time pointed it out to me, I guess I just didn't want to see it for myself or admit it. Lesson learned that you can't ever have someone be your priority who only sees you as their option.
Now I just don't know -- don't know where I am, where my head is at, what I want to do. Don't know how to kick out all my unwelcome guests. Don't know how not to let my unfortunate previous experiences cloud not only my view of this guy now but how to not let it affect how I act towards him.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Creativity is a big YAY
I have always been what I would call a competent cooker. I got a lot of good italian cooking know how from my Gram and I can hold my own in the kitchen. But baking....love it. So fun. Makes me feel creative again and I miss being creative in work. And I miss being creative in life in general. Now that my roommate works a later schedule that me, I feel like sometimes I don't really get to see her. Those that know me well know I have a need to try and make people laugh and my roommate is a great source for testing my material :)
It can be a little embarassing owning up to being a bit of a creativity dork. I don't feel the need to hide my time in the high school drama program or that I took Art so that I could get out of Gym class. Then I move on to discussion of starting college as a dance major (and staying one for two years) and letting myself go get that Master's in Film and Visual Media. I do all that and still don't think of myself as a creative person. Because all of that is my weird-o version of normal.
So when I go home excited over baking some new cupcakes with a twist and that becomes the most exciting moment of my day, well I overlook it. When I get home, and get moving with my baking and put on my itunes in the background and sing and dance along with my cooking....well theres a good part of me that knows that's not normal. But I know I LOVE it and have so much fun doing that. And some other texts with the new person confirm...this is not the "norm" by any means. Not everyone else dances around and (gasp) sings when they cook and bake in the kitchen.
Those people are missing the creativity gene that I have been reminded again I am so THANKFUL to have. Of course no one knows where it comes from since I have that jock and a brain for parents. Well someone somewhere in my family had to be creative....and I thank them and give them a big YAY
It can be a little embarassing owning up to being a bit of a creativity dork. I don't feel the need to hide my time in the high school drama program or that I took Art so that I could get out of Gym class. Then I move on to discussion of starting college as a dance major (and staying one for two years) and letting myself go get that Master's in Film and Visual Media. I do all that and still don't think of myself as a creative person. Because all of that is my weird-o version of normal.
So when I go home excited over baking some new cupcakes with a twist and that becomes the most exciting moment of my day, well I overlook it. When I get home, and get moving with my baking and put on my itunes in the background and sing and dance along with my cooking....well theres a good part of me that knows that's not normal. But I know I LOVE it and have so much fun doing that. And some other texts with the new person confirm...this is not the "norm" by any means. Not everyone else dances around and (gasp) sings when they cook and bake in the kitchen.
Those people are missing the creativity gene that I have been reminded again I am so THANKFUL to have. Of course no one knows where it comes from since I have that jock and a brain for parents. Well someone somewhere in my family had to be creative....and I thank them and give them a big YAY
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wow. Seriously, wow.
SO there are a few people who are actually reading this thing. I am not trying to bulsh*t you when I say I am totally surprised (in a fantastic way) and will aim to be better. Seriously, if I have to backfill posts at this point, oh god help me.
I have a bunch recently that I thought I would like to post about so I will need to pace that out. A friend commented that you could run out of things to write about...I really don't think I could. I know, I know that must sound like total crap. I'll try to explain - in a roundabout way of course.
Have you seen "Up In The Air"? No? You should. I really recommend it. Its one of the few films I have seen in the past 8 or so years that I wished had come out when I was in grad school. So that I could have great conversations about it or write an incredibly brilliant and insightful paper about it. Cause I used to do that, you know in my former life :)
So I loved this movie for a ZILLION reasons. I like that it's a commercial film (more or less) that makes a statement about our current day life. Kind of love that aspect of it actually. How technology has moved us and distanced us all at the same time. I kind of bond with George's character for the fact that he is just distant from his family. Not by choice or on purpose....but just that that can happen while everyone maintains an aura of knowing what everyone else is up to. My mom knows if I am going out of town because she sees my facebook status update. My Dad knows the cost of a gallon of gas in VA (yes, he does ask about it) because he's learned how to text to ask me about it. See these advances in technology doesn't make us closer. Just more informed.
Most people know me know I HATE talking on the phone. A very few people get a pass on this one -- V and A come to mind -- but by and large, no phone thank you. And I cannot tell you why that is. I was never attacked by a phone as a small child or anything similarly traumatic enough that would cause my phone phobia. I think it may be one of two things. First, I have to have far too many long, boring and painful phone calls for work so I think that makes me inherently hate talking on the phone. Yeah, I know that's a sweeping generalization but come on, just work with me here.
The other, is that I am a person who has grown accustomed to being overlooked, unheard and just sort of glanced over. Now, I am not trying to get all heavy and Dr Phil or anything like that, but that is just me. That's who I have always been to groups of friends. The one in the background. I usually put everyone else first ad no one ever asked me to do that....it's just what I am preprogrammed to do. I think when you become increasingly used to no one caring about what you might have to say....well then you don't say it out loud.
This post may have been a little too self indulgent for my tastes, but I got to writing again, so that's a good thing. It's all about taking baby steps. So getting (eventually) to my earlier basic point is that no one else is talking to me about these things and my thoughts...so I really do have plenty to post. True, its because I have a lack of anyone willing to listen to my ramblings but hey, that just means I have more to write here.
I have a bunch recently that I thought I would like to post about so I will need to pace that out. A friend commented that you could run out of things to write about...I really don't think I could. I know, I know that must sound like total crap. I'll try to explain - in a roundabout way of course.
Have you seen "Up In The Air"? No? You should. I really recommend it. Its one of the few films I have seen in the past 8 or so years that I wished had come out when I was in grad school. So that I could have great conversations about it or write an incredibly brilliant and insightful paper about it. Cause I used to do that, you know in my former life :)
So I loved this movie for a ZILLION reasons. I like that it's a commercial film (more or less) that makes a statement about our current day life. Kind of love that aspect of it actually. How technology has moved us and distanced us all at the same time. I kind of bond with George's character for the fact that he is just distant from his family. Not by choice or on purpose....but just that that can happen while everyone maintains an aura of knowing what everyone else is up to. My mom knows if I am going out of town because she sees my facebook status update. My Dad knows the cost of a gallon of gas in VA (yes, he does ask about it) because he's learned how to text to ask me about it. See these advances in technology doesn't make us closer. Just more informed.
Most people know me know I HATE talking on the phone. A very few people get a pass on this one -- V and A come to mind -- but by and large, no phone thank you. And I cannot tell you why that is. I was never attacked by a phone as a small child or anything similarly traumatic enough that would cause my phone phobia. I think it may be one of two things. First, I have to have far too many long, boring and painful phone calls for work so I think that makes me inherently hate talking on the phone. Yeah, I know that's a sweeping generalization but come on, just work with me here.
The other, is that I am a person who has grown accustomed to being overlooked, unheard and just sort of glanced over. Now, I am not trying to get all heavy and Dr Phil or anything like that, but that is just me. That's who I have always been to groups of friends. The one in the background. I usually put everyone else first ad no one ever asked me to do that....it's just what I am preprogrammed to do. I think when you become increasingly used to no one caring about what you might have to say....well then you don't say it out loud.
This post may have been a little too self indulgent for my tastes, but I got to writing again, so that's a good thing. It's all about taking baby steps. So getting (eventually) to my earlier basic point is that no one else is talking to me about these things and my thoughts...so I really do have plenty to post. True, its because I have a lack of anyone willing to listen to my ramblings but hey, that just means I have more to write here.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Slacking. Big time.
So this has been a little more difficult than I thought...esp since work has kicked into a whole new level of high gear this week. Seriously, if I get one more proposal, I will.....well I don't know what I will do. I'll likely spend my glorious bus ride tomorrow morning thinking up what I will do if another one comes my way.
But I promise to pick up the slack...I mean 40 posts in 40 days means I need to AVERAGE one post a day. But I could always back fill, right? Just cut me a little slack and I swear I will get back on track. I still haven't had any soda and haven't looked at let alone purchased a celeb magazine.
Oh and PS - this totes counts as a post.
But I promise to pick up the slack...I mean 40 posts in 40 days means I need to AVERAGE one post a day. But I could always back fill, right? Just cut me a little slack and I swear I will get back on track. I still haven't had any soda and haven't looked at let alone purchased a celeb magazine.
Oh and PS - this totes counts as a post.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Gone in the blink of an eye
Back to the grind tomorrow; this weekend felt as if it went far too quickly. I hate these Sunday nights where I feel like I will probably up till far too late, unable to get myself to sleep and ready for the week ahead. Lots of thoughts running around in my head probably won't help the situation much either. This will be the first work week of five full days in a row in a month -- just the thought makes me feel queasy. How do you do it -- how do you psyche yourself up for a week at a job you aren't loving when you are in a total and complete funk in all facets of life?
Saturday, February 20, 2010
My Gram
In the summer of 2008, I lost my Gram. Frankly, it's a loss I am still trying to process. Outside of my mom and dad, she was the relative I was closest to and some days I struggle with the fact that she's gone. My Grandmother meant the world to me. My mother was an only child, so me and my brother were her only grandchildren. That's a great set up if you can get it, I highly recommend it. They also happened to live about 5 minutes from my parents' house, so I spent quite a bit of time with her and my Pop-Pop at their house. She was my partner in crime -- when I was old enough to use the phone, whenever my little brother was annoying me, I would call her telling him I was calling Santa. I ratted him out, she was initially upset on the other line for being used but always laughed in the end.
My Gram was a tough lady -- she liked things a certain way. I lived with her for all of my summers growing up when I stayed at her beach house. That's when I learned to make my bed every day -- and today, it doesn't matter how late I may be, my bed is made before I leave for work. She also would not let me have a soda before noon -- I can't say she would approve of my early morning diet coke habit.
She valued a orderly home and we all fell in line. She put up little laminated notes everywhere: "remember to turn out the light when you leave", "put empty cans in the recycling", "pull up the door." She was efficient to a fault. My family will still joke about how she used to consolidate items for the sake of saving space -- a half bag of doritos and a half bag of potato chips would be married together in the name of a more orderly and neat kitchen. I think she even consolidated chunky and smooth peanut butter jars for the sake of saving space.
She remembered everything -- every birthday, every anniversary, every person she met, every recipe. Maybe that's why it hurt so much that she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I had been really upset by bouts before -- a Thanksgiving trip when she didn't know where we were started us all to worry. It progressed because that's what happens, you can't stop the disease. It felt like each year I lost more of her. I can't put into words how hard it is to lose someone mentally while still having them physically there. You go to see them each time never knowing if they will remember you and know who you are. I also can't put into words my feeling of loss, not taking the time to hug my gram and tell her I loved her the last time I saw her at my brother's wedding. There was no way for me to know that was the last time I would see her. But that still upsets me to this day and I don't think I will ever forgive myself.
She was tough, but she was the best. And I know I have a lot of her in me and I am beyond lucky for that.
My Gram was a tough lady -- she liked things a certain way. I lived with her for all of my summers growing up when I stayed at her beach house. That's when I learned to make my bed every day -- and today, it doesn't matter how late I may be, my bed is made before I leave for work. She also would not let me have a soda before noon -- I can't say she would approve of my early morning diet coke habit.
She valued a orderly home and we all fell in line. She put up little laminated notes everywhere: "remember to turn out the light when you leave", "put empty cans in the recycling", "pull up the door." She was efficient to a fault. My family will still joke about how she used to consolidate items for the sake of saving space -- a half bag of doritos and a half bag of potato chips would be married together in the name of a more orderly and neat kitchen. I think she even consolidated chunky and smooth peanut butter jars for the sake of saving space.
She remembered everything -- every birthday, every anniversary, every person she met, every recipe. Maybe that's why it hurt so much that she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I had been really upset by bouts before -- a Thanksgiving trip when she didn't know where we were started us all to worry. It progressed because that's what happens, you can't stop the disease. It felt like each year I lost more of her. I can't put into words how hard it is to lose someone mentally while still having them physically there. You go to see them each time never knowing if they will remember you and know who you are. I also can't put into words my feeling of loss, not taking the time to hug my gram and tell her I loved her the last time I saw her at my brother's wedding. There was no way for me to know that was the last time I would see her. But that still upsets me to this day and I don't think I will ever forgive myself.
She was tough, but she was the best. And I know I have a lot of her in me and I am beyond lucky for that.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Looking for signs
I have been having a lot of mixed feelings about work lately. Towards the end of 2009, I left my old firm for a new one -- still keeping the same type of job and responsibilities and switching to a slightly different title. It wasn't going to be same old same old; I was going to be working in new subject areas and supporting different practice groups and branching out into more PR and branding responsibilities. I also was primarily leaving my old firm because it was just an unbearable place to be....lack of support from my boss, unrealistic expectations of our department, always working late into the evening and usually coming in on the weekend, in short it just felt miserable. It wasn't just me; there was no joy in the workplace. Very little lighthearted banter, lack of support for one another or willingness to help each other, and a general sour attitude that felt like it just permeated the majority of the department. I knew I was good at what I did...I just couldn't be my best professional self under those conditions.
So I made the move to a firm where I would have a better work/life balance, more support from my bosses, and an assistant to help me properly manage the workload. And I am still good at what I do, and as a bonus usually get to work a 7 hour day (yup, 7). I have been getting great feedback from my bosses. I have been impressing the attorneys and other staff I work with and as a result getting involved in higher level projects and asked more for my professional opinion and suggestions.
Even with those really positive things going on in the workplace, I have been realizing recently that those nagging, lingering feelings are still there. The ones that keep ringing in my ear "This isn't what you always wanted to do." "This isn't making you happy." "This isn't the best use of your skills and abilities." I think my judgement was too clouded at my last firm to be able to see the forest for the trees. I just thought all of the unhappiness was a result of the horrible, miserable working conditions. And yeah, a lot of it was a result of that. I know I am happier and better adjusted now that I am not spending most of my waking hours, seven days a week in a windowless office.
Now that those gray clouds have cleared and I can see things better...well, I am worried. Worried that I shouldn't be doing this and I made a wrong turn somewhere. Even more worried that I can't undo that turn. I don't really know if it's "normal" to feel this way. Maybe I have put too much thought into it or maybe I have set the bar too high for what I hoped to do with my life or get out of (or put into) my work.
An organization that I am a member of for work will soon be holding their annual conference. I had the opportunity to go two years ago and found it incredibly helpful. While my firm is on a tight budget leash these days (really, who isn't?) I found that the local chapter of the organization was offering a scholarship essentially -- you wrote a super short essay and the judges would award two "winners" all the expenses for the conference - hotel, airfare, and registration. I thought it must be a sign. I could get myself there and maybe get the career kickstart I needed. So I sent off my little essay and could already picture myself there, drinking the KoolAid and getting my batteries recharged. But the winners should have been notified by today....and I didn't receive any notification. And I find myself a lot more upset and disappointed than I thought I would be. The slightly irrational part of me thinks this is some sort of sign, of what I am not sure.
So I came home today, a little upset and a little defeated. Not sure of what to do about it or really if there is anything to do about it. I try to tell myself all the time that lots of people doubt their jobs and if they are doing something that they should be doing. Right now that affirmation is not doing diddly squat for me.
Then I flip through the TV and "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is on. That should be a sign. Of what, I'm not sure. But I like this sign much better than the other one.
So I made the move to a firm where I would have a better work/life balance, more support from my bosses, and an assistant to help me properly manage the workload. And I am still good at what I do, and as a bonus usually get to work a 7 hour day (yup, 7). I have been getting great feedback from my bosses. I have been impressing the attorneys and other staff I work with and as a result getting involved in higher level projects and asked more for my professional opinion and suggestions.
Even with those really positive things going on in the workplace, I have been realizing recently that those nagging, lingering feelings are still there. The ones that keep ringing in my ear "This isn't what you always wanted to do." "This isn't making you happy." "This isn't the best use of your skills and abilities." I think my judgement was too clouded at my last firm to be able to see the forest for the trees. I just thought all of the unhappiness was a result of the horrible, miserable working conditions. And yeah, a lot of it was a result of that. I know I am happier and better adjusted now that I am not spending most of my waking hours, seven days a week in a windowless office.
Now that those gray clouds have cleared and I can see things better...well, I am worried. Worried that I shouldn't be doing this and I made a wrong turn somewhere. Even more worried that I can't undo that turn. I don't really know if it's "normal" to feel this way. Maybe I have put too much thought into it or maybe I have set the bar too high for what I hoped to do with my life or get out of (or put into) my work.
An organization that I am a member of for work will soon be holding their annual conference. I had the opportunity to go two years ago and found it incredibly helpful. While my firm is on a tight budget leash these days (really, who isn't?) I found that the local chapter of the organization was offering a scholarship essentially -- you wrote a super short essay and the judges would award two "winners" all the expenses for the conference - hotel, airfare, and registration. I thought it must be a sign. I could get myself there and maybe get the career kickstart I needed. So I sent off my little essay and could already picture myself there, drinking the KoolAid and getting my batteries recharged. But the winners should have been notified by today....and I didn't receive any notification. And I find myself a lot more upset and disappointed than I thought I would be. The slightly irrational part of me thinks this is some sort of sign, of what I am not sure.
So I came home today, a little upset and a little defeated. Not sure of what to do about it or really if there is anything to do about it. I try to tell myself all the time that lots of people doubt their jobs and if they are doing something that they should be doing. Right now that affirmation is not doing diddly squat for me.
Then I flip through the TV and "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is on. That should be a sign. Of what, I'm not sure. But I like this sign much better than the other one.
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